Thanksgiving

My eyes have filled with tears many times in the past couple of weeks. The conference, good friends, tragedy and terrible evil in Paris and Mali, frequent travel...I feel like there's an emotional ledge I'm grasping, and I don't want to release it.

But I get to go home, and see J&J, and for that, all for that, I am thrilled. I get to see my nephews and family, and even if the J&Jers are less than thrilled to see their lame old aunt, I get to see them and spend some time hanging out with them. It's the joy of my life, really.

So for a bit, I'll be relaxed and live in the moment. I'll get off this treadmill, and I'll breathe in the cool and crisp air in Michigan. Happy Thanksgiving, indeed.

Two Months

I have no real reason to avoid writing. I mean, life has not slowed down, but it's been this way before, and I tune in. I think I'm avoiding writing because I don't know about this stage. It's an uneasiness, a sense that I am not where I desire to be, and I want to avoid having these feelings of drowning.

Whether it is a new nephew or travel or my brother running a marathon or my husband jetting off to Singapore. I feel like I am just standing still, in this place, before another convention, this place that is static and rigid and unyielding. It's a chasm and I'm sinking.

In the stillness, I am aware of my thoughts and how very unhappy I am. I try to cover with drinking, socializing, reading, drama, but it always remains the same.

I want to picture myself in 12 months, with a baby and a Republican president and possibilities for change. But I see myself at 40, sitting here, and still facing uncertainty about a night ahead. And I really hate this. And I don't know how to pull myself up.

Two Months...

I haven't written much lately, I know....summer escaped me, with trips to Texas, the Bahamas, Detroit, and Iceland. Much to say about all of that.

But a word on September 11, and fourteen years ago. It's a perfectly summery day here, once again, like that day, with clear blue skies, low humidity, and highs in the 80s. Unforgettable weather, September 11 weather. God bless America.

Tragedy on Metro

Last Saturday, on the Fourth of July, a 24 year old killed was knifed to death on a red line train headed to Noma, five blocks from where we lived. And a place we passed by, enroute to Harris Teeter, moments before the crime.

There were a handful of others on the train, who witnessed the attack, which seemingly occurred in about a three minute time span. Some contend they should have stopped this crazed 18 year old, brandishing a knife and high on some synthetic drug. Uncontrollable and menacing, and likely bigger.

I think those on the train were judged harshly. There was a woman in her 50s, with her father in his 70s, and I cannot believe either could have stopped this kid and likely would have been hurt had they forcibly tried to intervene.

I am not there to judge. I would have been scared senseless. I wold have hoped I could have called 911 or tried to stop this kid who repeatedly, brutally, relentlessly stabbed this kid to death, who probably was the youngest and most vital person on the train.

I think anyone could have related to this, and anyone is saddened by this. I still am thinking about it, five days later. And you wonder: what would you have done? And if it was you, attacked like this, would you have surrendered? Could your life have been saved? 

Who Will Stop the Rain?

I don't remember why it rained so much in 06, but I won't forget the non-stop deluge of June 2015. From freaky late night thunderstorms, to sudden inches, to three inches of rain on Saturdays....Insanity. Check out this post.

Yes, I'm a weather groupie. I just hate how it stresses me out. Ugh.

SCOTUSCare

From Scalia's dissent in his newly coined SCOTUSCare decision:

• Words no longer have meaning if an Exchange that is not established by a State is “established by the State.” It is hard to come up with a clearer way to limit tax credits to state Exchanges than to use the words “established by the State.” And it is hard to come up with a reason to include the words “by the State” other than the purpose of limiting credits to state Exchanges.
• Under all the usual rules of interpretation, in short, the Government should lose this case. But normal rules of interpretation seem always to Cite as: 576 U. S. ____ (2015) 3 SCALIA, J., dissenting yield to the overriding principle of the present Court: The Affordable Care Act must be saved.
• The Court interprets §36B to award tax credits on both federal and state Exchanges. It accepts that the “most natural sense” of the phrase “Exchange established by the State” is an Exchange established by a State. Ante, at 11. (Understatement, thy name is an opinion on the Affordable Care Act!) Yet the opinion continues, with no semblance of shame, that “it is also possible that the phrase refers to all Exchanges—both State and Federal.”
• Today’s interpretation is not merely unnatural; it is unheard of. Who would ever have dreamt that “Exchange established by the State” means “Exchange established by the State or the Federal Government”?
• It is bad enough for a court to cross out “by the State” once. But seven times?
• But this Court’s two decisions on the Act will surely be remembered through the years. The somersaults of statutory interpretation they have performed (“penalty” means tax, “further [Medicaid] payments to the State” means only incremental Medicaid payments to the State, “established by the State” means not established by the State) will be cited by litigants endlessly, to the confusion of honest jurisprudence. And the cases will publish forever the discouraging truth that the Supreme Court of the United States favors some laws over others, and is prepared to do whatever it takes to uphold and assist its favorites. I dissent.

It is why judges matter. No more gestures like renominating Judge Gregory on the 4th.  No more John Roberts. The left does not make these mistakes. Judicial nominations are one of the most important issues in 2016.

Character

It's been a hectic week, after visiting Cincinnati, dinner our with Marissa and Jay on Monday, World Cup soccer with neighbors, dinner with E last night. I am looking forward to a quieter evening tonight, a stop at HT, and maybe an episode of OITNB. I did an elliptical this morning, much needed after over indulging lately.

It's summer. It's been stormy and hot, the days are long. And it'll be July in one week, which is ridiculous. Half-way through 2015 already. And July will be a busy one, as will August. And September...so it goes.

I am searching for direction and spark, and I'm trying to live more in the moment. It's now 8.5 months until 40, and there are days I could almost anticipate it, and other days I'm dreading it. I cannot wrap my brain around being in my 40s. I still recall not being able to envision life after 22. Or life in college. Life outside of St. V. It's like a rubber band that stretches further out, or maybe something that keeps unwrapping to cover up more of what your life is like at this point or that.

I'm reading David Brooks The Road to Character, which has been outstanding. The more I read, the more I demand "great books." Fracture was great.  Ideas, motivation, drive, integrity, dignity, and utter failure.

Being transgendered has been the story of the summer. How does that state of being reconcile with character? Can it? Brooks struggles with the definition of "true self." Maybe that concept is overrated. You can spend a lifetime and never quite define that. Or you can reach that state in youth.

I am not sure if this is the best word, but it's authenticity. And dining last night, hearing that ridiculous story on the porcelain dolls, all I can think is "Own it." Do not be ashamed or embarrassed, the way I would have been. Own who you are, because you don't get a second chance in this life. One is what you have.

Can't Listen...

Is it wrong to say I'm finding baby/pregnancy talk insufferable? I mean, I am cringing listening to the laughter, the overload of information, the comparison of notes, etc. It is too much.

Six Weeks Later...

So I never intended to step away for these last six weeks. Time passes fast. Travel. Friends. Block Party. California and Vegas and Phoenix and Philly and New York and New Jersey. This and that.

I just haven't wanted to write. It's not for the lack of something to say. I feel like I have nothing but thoughts to vocalize, and I have nothing but a void to fill.

I have less time than a baby's gestation before turning 40. I am simultaneously hyper aware of my age and utterly in denial, oblivious to the point of utter avoidance. I want to dwell on the summer, travel to Texas and Michigan and the Bahamas and Iceland and Cincinnati. I want to dwell on 4th of July fireworks and hot days and roofdeck parties and cocktails and those other friends turning 40.

So where to it? I need to focus on doing something positive for myself. Aging gracefully, writing, enjoying the mantra of here and now. And then what...

Goodbye 1015

After 16 years, I'm leaving 1015. Not moving far, to 1776. And not leaving a job. Just a relocation.

I'm so used to my view of 18th Street, and my new view is arguably better, of two streets. And we'll have some new amenities, and we'll be modern, with some new furniture.

So many memories here, though, of the 2000 election and 9/11, certainly. Of former colleagues, learning of M's death, hearing of engagements and new babies and celebrating birthdays. Lots of quiet moments, tears, and frustrations. Late nights and early mornings. Escapes to Borders across the street, a couple of incarnations of Jack's below. Lots of coffee. Lots of walks to R's desk, and lots of closed door conversations with colleagues/friends. Angry moments. Ridiculous moments. Incredulous moments.

So here's to a new place to work...and here's to the old. I hope I won't be there for 16 years, though!

The End of Grey's...

Internet is a-buzzing about about McDreamy's death last night on Grey's Anatomy. I haven't watched the full episode yet, and I am not sure that I will. But it disturbed me last night, and the senseless of this as "entertainment" haunted me as a I drifted off to sleep. I think I'm done with watching tragedy as entertainment. Sure, his good-bye will make you think a bit more about your loved ones, about the temporal nature of being and how any moment can bring you to your knees. But a television show? Where plane crashes have killed siblings, Alzheimer's killed mothers, where people are shot...I never watched the episode where Jackson & April's child died, because really--that is supposed to be entertainment? The actress was pregnant! Not entertainment.

So I don't think I will be regularly tuning in to the show anymore. I live too much in my head, and I don't need to be haunted by "this could happen to you..." We all know that. We don't need to see our nightmares play out in real life.

The Americans

Paste rounds-up some of the most compelling moments from this season. Season finale is tonight!

Early Thoughts on the Election

If a presidential candidate was the former Secretary of State, a former United States Senator, and a partner in a foundation that sought to "improve people's lives," and had unparalleled name recognition, you'd think that particular candidate would be a leading one for president.

Winning candidates often don't hold the best resume. Ask the incumbent, right? It's more than a resume, it's more than a law degree. It's rhetoric (ask Ronald Reagan), it's charisma (ask Clinton), and it's an image (ask Kennedy) of what the country wants in a leader, all bundled together. And it's often identity politics (ask Obama).

It is April 20, and the presidential election is over 18 months away. I'll go on record now that a minority or a woman will be on a winning ticket. And like I've said all along, it won't be Hillary.

I'm unexcited about the prospect of a woman in the White House. It does not matter to me one iota. We've had two female candidates for vice president, and both were flawed. We've had flawed presidential candidates. Whether it is two white men, a woman and a white man, or a Hispanic and a woman, it doesn't matter. It's the substance of an individual in a time of national security risks from the middle east and Russia and North Korean; it's a time when individual liberties and the First Amendment is under threat; it's a time when religious believers are shamed as bigots; and it is a time when the soft bigotry of low expectations dooms another generation to live in an urban prison, because educational opportunities are closed when you can't bother to finish high school.

I don't care if it's a woman, or if it's someone with an impressive resume. I care about integrity. I care about honesty and transparency, fully realizing that a lot of politics happens behind closed doors (much like sausage) for very good reasons. I care about the truth this country bears. I care about what opportunities will be available in global competition for my nephews and niece.

I selfishly care about what opportunities may avail themselves to me someday. I was watching Mad Men last night, and Peggy Olsen was asked by Don about what her vision for her future was. She wanted to be the first female creative director at the agency, and she wanted to create something of lasting value. I've diminished myself for too long, often in my own insecurities and in the little ways I demean myself on a daily basis. But I want to dream big, too. And if a door were to open to me, I want that badly.

Monday Ten

1. Chicago, and Acadia, made for some good eating. The seven mile run didn't hurt, either.
2. Lowlight: that text from Michelle. D made a good point, and I was thinking it, too, though I didn't want to articulate it. She was needlessly provocative, and frankly, she was hurtful. And I know she is hurting herself, and she is in pain and maybe not thoughtful. But it was defensive and designed to make us feel like bad people. It is hard to "abandon" someone when they turn you away at every visit. But I don't know.
3. The epic dinner speech. We will be talking about that for a while...
4. Sunshine and 70s. Best time of the year. And full bloom cherry blossoms.
5. Enjoying a lot the San Fermin album.
6. The Americans and Mad Men are my two favorites right now. But last night's Megan-centric episode just was weak to me.
7. Presidential announcements are coming...Ted Cruz and Hillary and Rand Paul and Marco Rubio. Many to come.
8. The weekend WSJ is a simple pleasure on flights home.
9. Happy to have some of the block party bureaucracy behind us.
10. How many days til Friday?

Monday Musings

1. I don't recall the last truly great weekend I had for Easter. Not this one.

2. We're supposed to engage with Cuba or Iran or with gay marriage opponents. They don't need to see into Christians' eyes, or experience the perspective of those Cuban refugees who have been persecuted for decades.
3. I remember being heartbroken a few months ago with news of the plane crash that killed most of the Gemmell family. I found this update from February.

"As I've told my daughter, we don't want to let this completely defeat us," he said. "We don't want this to become what defines our lives, or ruins the rest of our lives going forward. For the most part, we just need to persevere and do what we can to honor Marie, Cole and Devin."

If there's one thing Ken Gemmell wants others to know, it's this: "Just how great of a mother she was. She really did love the kids so much."

Wow. I think of them after Easter, how death didn't defeat Jesus Christ, and the love he had to lay down his life for his friends. There's something profoundly moving and inspirational amidst the tragedy. It's hard to read any of the GoFund Me accounts. I am not that strong.
4. There have been too many pregnancy announcements lately, and I'm quietly depressed by it. I am not sure I can continue following along the cute facebook updates, the celebrity moms, etc. So there. I said it.
5.  Good advice. Easier said than actually implemented.

More Things I Think...

1. I am excited for the new Blue Apron order. Lamb meatballs, seared chicken, cod. Yum.
2. It's Holy Thursday.  I remember always going to the evening service at St. V's so many years ago with mom, seeing the altar servers and the darkness, the incense, the procession. Such a profound moment during this week. It has been at least what, twenty years? Wow.
3. Sunshine and 70s today. Yes. Spring is slowly blooming.
4. I finished A Peace to End All Peace last night. I will begin Dead Wake by Erik Larson next. I am still itching to find something else on the Ottoman empire or Turkey or maybe Israel...not sure what.
5. The Americans last night...wow. Paige learning who her parents really are was a shock, to say the least. What marvelous acting. It's refreshing not to be spoiled, and I think that also contributes to the quality of the show. Like Mad Men, you have no idea what will come next. We're entering 1983 right now in the show--based on when Tootsie premiered, though Christmas hasn't been mentioned--and with three episodes remaining this season, anything can happen. Amazing that I am old enough to remember that time, too. I was the exact age of Joey, first grade.
6. Four weeks to the big office move. I am excited for the new gym and the fact that there may be actual temperature control and outdoor space. The rest, we shall see. Like the windows...
7. Yoga last night. It was so crowded. I have such a love-hate relationship with yoga. I want to like it and become more flexible, and if I'm in Warrior 2 or even 3 I feel stronger. But most of the time, I'm too self-conscious, thinking of too many other things, and so distracted by the others who can do headstands. That is not what yoga is all about.
8. Though I am excited we bought the elliptical. Worthwhile purchase.
9. Ten years ago Pope John Paul II passed away.
10. This story, about the mom who murdered her children and stowed them in the freezer, sickens me. A death penalty is too good for her.

Ten Things I Think

1. All of this ridiculous controversy over the Indiana RFRA makes me very concerned that religious liberties are going to become even more acceptable to discriminate against. The sweeping generalizations that the left has made about it, the painting of Republicans and religious conservatives as intolerant bigots, and the media bias toward this is beyond the pale.

2. So much good music lately, including Courtney Barnett, Lord Huron, Death Cab, Laura Marling...I'm feeling more optimistic that this year's music will be as good as two years ago.

3. It's April and it snowed in Michigan yesterday. I really hope next week is warm in the Midwest.

4. Why oh why is Monica Lewinsky in the headlines? But if it reminds people of how shamefully the Clintons treated her, all the better.

5. Sick of getting Ted Cruz campaign calls. When will Scott Walker enter?

6. One month about done, and 11 more left in my 30s. I can't...

7. Very concerned about good health lately. Just worried.

8. I'm looking forward to trying Blue Apron again tomorrow night and this weekend. I need to cook more and branch out. Of the first group, turkey chilli was my favorite. I loved the addition of avocado.

9. It's been nice to have some girl time this past Saturday and with Sara's shower. I cannot believe they have their baby already. Funny saying already, after so many years of waiting, though.

10. I'm almost done with "A Peace to End All Peace." Shameful at how Great Britain and France carved up the Middle East and how the United States abdicated all leadership then. It's been very educational reading these books on Islam and the WWI/post-WWI era and how that laid the foundation for so many years of tragedy in that region.

And I need to write more. I know.

Taking it for Granted

At 39, I see and feel myself growing a little bit older. A few more fine lines on my hands and face, a touch less energy. A few more tummy issues. A recognition that my parents are about to become grandparents of four. Fewer baby showers, fewer wedding showers. No desire to hit Bourbon Street on trips to New Orleans.

I saw this piece this morning about a woman who labored to complete a 10K. And part of me wanted to scoff at her overeach--she is out of shape and probably had no business trying to complete that distance. But upon further reflection, and realizing how she had lost nearly 200 pounds, I realize how far she had come. And the compassion of the officer who assisted her in the journey was stark and striking. How far she had come, and it didn't matter how long it had taken to arrive. True, she was at a 20 minute pace clip. But she had made it.

Running was something that came to me later in life, and I don't want to ever take it for granted. Maybe my days of 8 minute miles are past me, but I still could run a 10K in far less than an hour on a whim. Most days, anyway. And maybe my difficult 10K is akin to my ability/desire to try yoga headstands or crow or other poses that are simply impossible for me.

A little more compassion would serve us to do good and to be well. At 39, maybe I can recognize some limitations, but that should not let it stop me. It's the journey, right?

Thirty Nine

Has it been a month?

I don't know where this year has gone...well, yes I do. I've been in Louisiana, California, Arkansas (x2), Chicago, and Florida. And the travel will continue quite a bit going forward.

I'm not feeling 100%, either. I'm tired. Dealing with a cold/bronchitis. Dealing with some digestion issues; my body doesn't like vegetables right now. And I'm depressed by the ridiculous, unending cold weather, the imminent March snowfall, and the darkness and gloominess. I can't recall a three week stretch in DC as bad as this one. Light will shine next week, maybe.

But I'm at 39, and to borrow Kathy's phrase, celebrating what's sure to be the first of many 39th birthdays. I hope so, at least. You don't take it for granted. I feel a little slower, uneasier, lethargic. I feel my age for really and truly the first time. I don't feel "young." And I wonder if I ever do have a baby, how I will cope. My energy is truly lower.

Though schedule has something to do with that. I'd adjust. And that's what I truly want for this year. The beginning of my 40th year. Wow, can you believe that?

I also hope to write more often, because I miss it and it's too easy to move along on busy days like I've had. But it's something I've been doing, journaling, mostly on for 30  years.

So cheers to 39, and cheers to 40. And I hope this year brings....joy.

Bobbi Christina

Bobbi Christina Brown, Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown's daughter, shares her birthday with me (though, ahem, 17 years later). I've been sadly following the story of her drowning. It hasn't escaped me that today is her father's birthday, and next week is the anniversary of her mother's death.

I remember when she was born, and the tragedy of her life rivals probably Michael Jackson's kids as bizarrely unconventional, with erratic family support and constant public scrutiny. But man. Why does it have to end like that? She must have been so depressed and screwed up and just lost to take drugs or do whatever she did before very likely dying in the same manner that her mother did.

Some have compared this to the situation with Anna Nicole Smith. And anytime someone so young dies, well, it's just awful. I am not sure I'd use the word tragic, but there's a loss of potential. A loss of an opportunity to truly transcend the sadness and make something of her life.

Anyway, again, maybe it's because of the shared birthday. But at 21 going on nothing...sadness all around.

Old Friends

M sent another email indicating that she's in bad shape, and she doesn't know how much longer she can live like that. I don't know what to say or how to say it. I mean, there's a breath I hold every time I've received a middle-of-the-night email from her. It sounds like her pain is acute and her suffering endless. But I also think, she's six months older than me! She should be living her life and fighting.

I think she's been deprived of a good ten plus years of life. Just awful. I think she had some pain issues a decade ago, and maybe this is all resulting from some dental work she had done in the past. It's weird and fluky and it could happen to anyone.

So I pray that she won't do anything to further help herself. And I pray for S, because he must be suffering terribly, too.

Ten Things on My Mind

1. I wish I hadn't suggested a baby shower for S. Just being honest.
2. Looking forward to this three day weekend, so I can actually work out.
3. I've been craving chocolate lately. Weird.
4. 4:30 meetings are evil.
5. I really miss my nephews.
6. This bizarro John Kerry/James Taylor "You've got a friend" things is too weird.
7. I need to get a new suit.
8. I'm over the NFL, sadly, after last Sunday's sad loss.
9. Has it been almost a month since Christmas vacation? Where does the time go?
10. Pomegranate green tea is an afternoon tradition now.

Sooo...

It's been a month.

The holidays rushed by...the Bahamas and Michigan and then back to DC, lots of shopping for mattresses and disastrous bookshelves, NYE and a trip to Louisiana. And back again, and unprepared for Cowboys devastating losses and everything else that 2015 may or may not bring.

And the world is responding, with violent attacks in Paris and a metro smoke incident resulting in one death. The world is troubling. And awful cold.

Enroute to and from Lafayette, I read The Looming Tower. Captivating read, though the book is nearly a decade old. You forget how frightening and on edge the world was. Watching the Charlie Hedbo and Jewish grocery store attacks, you remember. Like it was yesterday.

So I will write more. I promise. But what a start to 2015, huh?