Thirty Nine

Has it been a month?

I don't know where this year has gone...well, yes I do. I've been in Louisiana, California, Arkansas (x2), Chicago, and Florida. And the travel will continue quite a bit going forward.

I'm not feeling 100%, either. I'm tired. Dealing with a cold/bronchitis. Dealing with some digestion issues; my body doesn't like vegetables right now. And I'm depressed by the ridiculous, unending cold weather, the imminent March snowfall, and the darkness and gloominess. I can't recall a three week stretch in DC as bad as this one. Light will shine next week, maybe.

But I'm at 39, and to borrow Kathy's phrase, celebrating what's sure to be the first of many 39th birthdays. I hope so, at least. You don't take it for granted. I feel a little slower, uneasier, lethargic. I feel my age for really and truly the first time. I don't feel "young." And I wonder if I ever do have a baby, how I will cope. My energy is truly lower.

Though schedule has something to do with that. I'd adjust. And that's what I truly want for this year. The beginning of my 40th year. Wow, can you believe that?

I also hope to write more often, because I miss it and it's too easy to move along on busy days like I've had. But it's something I've been doing, journaling, mostly on for 30  years.

So cheers to 39, and cheers to 40. And I hope this year brings....joy.

Musings on Turning 38

Five days left until I enter the last two years of my 30s. I was reading my birthday entry from a year ago, and there's a tinge of bittersweet in it. There always is, isn't it? Unmet expectations, disappointments, but also joy that family and friends are well and intact and overall, it has been a good year. Maybe not a great year, but it's been good. Full of travel, times to see friends, time with family. A new nephew. Mostly good health.

Every year like this is a blessing, even if there are unfulfilled wishes and desires. And I know I should never take anything for granted. Because when you reach this stage--practically middle age, right?--you should never assume that 12 months later, things will remain.

So 38? I have a twenty year high school reunion year coming up. Remember how a classmate passed away last year? So nothing is assumed, and I don't even know if I would attend, anyway. But that's a milestone. And there are many things to look forward to, like a trip to Europe, a week at the beach, Napa, time with family, house projects. All good things.

My birthday is on Mardi Gras this year, and I don't remember how long it's been since it was last on that date. Better than Ash Wednesday, of course. I can still rejoice, and I have my moment to celebrate. Heck, I could be turning 40 this year, right? I'm not quite ready for that. But soon enough.

37

So it's been a year of being 36. It's another year older, with little changed. We might get a lot of snow on Wednesday. We have to go to New Orleans on Friday. And the world keeps turning.

I guess I have my own private wishes for the year ahead, and I also hope it goes as well as this past year has gone. There was loss for my friends, but many new babies born. Including a niece and nephew. There were continents explored, like Africa, a place I never thought I'd visit. There were vacations enjoyed and there were miles flown on United.

There were also some hopes and dreams not realized, and there was not always the peace I longed for at times. And there are always some tears and some unfulfilled goals. But there was also joy.

Happy 37th birthday, Lisa. I hope the year ahead brings some of the joy of family time, professional fulfillment, friends, and home to fuller fruition.

Forgetful?

I was thinking about my posts from the last days of February in previous years. 2012. 2011. 2008. Sometimes there is introspection, other times not so much. I haven't thought so much about my birthday this year. I've been preoccupied with my aunt, with travel, with not having time to exercise or go to church, with reading and with knee injuries and trying to find the perfect dress. It's been one thought after another with an avoidance of turning a year older. Something about 37 makes me forgetful. I forget if I'm turning 36 or 37 or 38 or 39. Or I confuse my age with my husband's. Or I just have to stop to count. I don't know if this is intentional or just strategic or just a distraction. It's ridiculous, really.

I think I have certain goals in mind for myself, and I find that I've made no progress toward where I want to be and what I want to have in my life and who I really am. I'm not sure if this has been much of a progressive year. I haven't set any racing records, and I haven't made any changes on the homefront or the professional front. I did go to Africa, so that is something. But I don't know much beyond that.

I leave for Austin tomorrow, and I will have a couple of days alone but surrounded and I won't have the time to think. More time to forget, really, and more time to forget turning 37. I strive to turn this into something unforgettable, really, if I can. I am happy to have had another year, and I don't take that at all for granted. There's something daunting if you don't know if you are guaranteed another birthday. Hell, none of us are owed anything. It's all day to day. Minute by minute. But some have more odds stacked against them than others.

I suppose on Monday I may have this sudden burst of introspection, and I will wake up and feel differently. But otherwise, I'll just chalk it up to another 30-something birthday, and be grateful. Just be grateful.

3/4/12=36

It has been a long day of west coast travel, but I am still celebrating birthday #36. That used to seem like a ridiculously old age to be, and sometimes I really am convinced that I am only 29.  We are in our big home, damaged but intact, and we are solidly married.  Life could really be so much worse.

I want to get our home in shape, and I also want to experience the smile that the two month old baby had for his daddy flying back today.  So sweet. So real.  So genuine.

And I want to be happy and grateful and blessed that so much is mine to be treasured, when so much could go wrong.  You can freeze a moment in time and hope that it stays one way, while other things come your way too.

Happy birthday to me. We did not do much, only breakfast at the Chesapeake room.  But it was nice, still.

Leap Day 2012

It just struck me that in four years, I will be four days from forty. I am not sure why that is so startling to me right now, other than the fact that there is a symmetry of four's.  And I'm still grappling with 36, in my last four days as a 35 year old.

This coming weekend will be a whirlwind with the cross the country and back trip, Steve's birthday, and a whole host of other things to focus on, including meetings and traffic and another trip next weekend. 35 has been a decent year, with the most remarkable thing that we moved out of that condo. We survived. And we can thrive in the coming year, hopefully.

I also gained a new nephew this year, visited Jamaica, became a premiere member on United, and was lucky enough not to lose anyone close to me. I hope this coming year is even better.

Happy Birthday to Me

I am thirty five today. 35. Somehow that does seem older. 23 seems young, 26 or 27 seems youngish.  32 or 33, still early 30s.  35 is half way to 40, old enough to run for president and old enough to know better.  35 means another wrinkle or two appears, more crow's feet.  It means feeling softer and advanced maternal age. It means people start looking at you as older, out of the 30-34 racing group, out of the coveted 18-34 demographic. It means...35.

I don't have children, and I may never have children.  I have a "career" and a mortgage and I need a new house. It means I haven't taken enough vacations, and I haven't had enough fun as a young 'un, and can't change that fact.

35 means being a bit more grown up, and being okay with that, because you cannot turn back the clock.  It means being able to enjoy a good steak dinner and still be able to rally tomorrow and run five miles, and go grocery shopping and go look at houses and get ready for a brunch. It means all of those things.

Happy 35th birthday to me. How did I ever get to be 35? I remember turning four! I remember thinking at 5, my birthday should now be on the 5th, as logic had it, right?!  It means remembering turning 18, 17 years ago! It means celebrating another birthday in DC, almost as many birthdays here (14) as I celebrated in Michigan (18). It means half way to 40 and half way to 70. 

Happy birthday, 35th birthday, to me. 36 doesn't seem as bad, does it?

Birthday Week

It's the husband's birthday, 37 today. And I have three more days left til I turn 35.

This year marks a life milestone, in a way, of being in advanced maternal age. Doesn't matter if you have a baby or not. If you google "turning 35" a number of bittersweet blog posts pop up, some funny and others quite sad. This one was funny and it referenced a Sex & the City episode I remember quite well.  Carrie was about to turn 35 and was faced with checking that box 35-44, as opposed to the old reliable 18-34.  That episode is a decade old. Wow.

I'm faced with moving up to the next age bracket at races, though I don't want to be a fast 35 year old, but rather a slow 34 year old.

I wish I was entering this year a little happier, a little more settled, and a little more certain.  Instead, I don't know what the year will bring, but I'm afraid yet again I will be disappointed.  I want and need more, and thinking I will be turning 36 before I know it, with things as is in this holding pattern, well, I'm not crazy about it.

Anyway, let's see what the week brings.

Birthday Dinner

We went to Bistro Italiano last night for a quiet dinner. Pizza, shrimp & pasta, good stuff. It's a small neighborhoodly place near Schneider's with a small wine list and lots of homespun entrees. Good eating, yes. We didn't want to deal with the crowds elsewhere, and we were tired. It's okay--as a 34 year old "old lady" I'm very happy with that, and very happy with pizza with feta and spinach. Good stuff, indeed.

Mom & dad sent some workout clothes, and I have a couple of gift cards to spend. And I talked to Leigh Ann and got some more nice emails and facebooks. A few people I mysteriously did not hear from. Whatever, right? It still hurts a bit. Last year I mentioned the inevitable "let-down" feeling birthdays bring, even when you try your best to acknowledge others and insert subtle reminders, to keep all of this bday stuff on the radar. It's only human, I guess, to be happy with those nice acknowledgments while still feeling slighted by those who didn't take a minute of their day to remember. But yeah, I need to get over this. I'm very fortunate to have people remember and care just a bit.

Weekend ahead is looming...run, go out for girls night (is it bad I don't wanna??), shop (for an ironing board!!!), and oh yeah, a haircut! Yeah, my hair is so stringy and split-endy. Looking forward to that and my new purse and some shopping time!

Thirty Four

Well, I made it past 2:19 a.m. and the clock turned thirty-four. Been a quiet day thus far. I've gotten lots of facebook happy birthday wishes and fewer from around these parts. Lunch was sadly a disappointment (not going to Wasabi again!). Lesson one in being 34: stick with instincts, and don't try some new place for lunch that serves chicken. I should have known better and stuck to pasta and what I ultimate got, honey peanut chicken. I deserve a good lunch for my birthday, right?!?! I wanted pizza or pasta tonight but I really did want pizza...

I made sure that I did a good five mile run last night. I want to get up early tomorrow (we shall see!) and have a fantastic outdoor run on Saturday before getting my hair cut.

I am not sure if I have goals, per se, this year, but there are some things I want to happen by the time I turn 35. The biological clock is ticking, right?

Happy birthday to me.

The year past...

It's sort of New Year's Eve around here, and I'm feeling a bit old with about seven hours left til thirty-four. It's not a monumental age--I can't run for president yet!-- or the age where the biological clock really starts to rear its quite ugly head. But it's mid-thirties, very thirty-something, a good decade and a half since you've been a teenager. It's twenty years since you started high school--twenty years!!!--and finished grade school and seen half of those notorious facebook friends.

Thirty-three was good to me, mostly, for some reasons. The year was a blur with not much new or changing in my life. No weddings or new homes or new babies. I did run ten miles for the first time. But I'm not sure there were many other firsts.

Well, I will toast thirty-three tonight before I worry too much about thirty-four. We'll have 365 days together, after all!

Birthday Night at Morton's

We went to Morton's last night. We (got ID'd!) shared the dinner for two for $99...petite fillets, crab cake, Caesar salads, shrimp, and more dessert (chocolate cake, key lime pie, creme brulee, etc.) then we cared to eat. We shared a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon from St. Supery. Terrific. Then we opened up gifts--got a beautiful dress and cardigan from Ann Taylor, and Steve opened up his Seinfeld DVDs and Dave Matthews tickets. It was a nice night.

Now I'm (hopefully) off to Miami for 24 hours. Hopefully I can catch up on some reading!

The Week Ahead

1. Happy birthday Stevie!

2. Just got back from Philly, after a day there on Saturday. Cold, gloomy. Not my favorite city, not my least favorite city. Good seeing friends.

3. Miami tomorrow, though storminess awaits. Ugh. I'm not terribly excited to go, but it'll make the week go faster.

4. Working out will be tough this week. I lazily slept in this morning, though it was good to be in bed for 10 hours. I feel less exhausted.

5. I bought the new Shout Out Louds album. Great music. It's my favorite of the year, thus far, a bit over Spoon album. If I'm counting the Brandi Carlile EP, it's tight though.

6. Paul & Megan are in Hawaii. Jealous. They had some turbulence on the flight there, but luckily, the Chilean hurricane didn't affect them too much.

7. And oh yes, I'm about to turn thirty-four...Thankfully I have a few days left to ponder this!

Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago, Andrea emailed me at work and asked if I had plans. I said no. Donna had just moved, started dating husband to be, and I was lonely. I had gone up to NYC the previous weekend and was surrounded by happy hours. I was lonely.

So I said yes, went to Dave & Buster's, and the rest as they say is history. It took a while, which is why it is called history. Fate or happenstance or chance who knows. Maybe I would have met someone else and had two kids by now. Or maybe I would still be single and bitter. Who knows.

A lot can change in ten years, the week before your 24th birthday or the week before your 34th birthday. And a lot can stay the same, too.

Thirty Three

Had a nice day so far, despite the obligatory birthday group lunch. I just went with a Chop't salad, the usual: spinach, apples, grapes, walnuts, white cheddar, and tomatoes.

Not sure what's on the agenda tonight. The husband has a big presentation tomorrow, so perhaps we will do some sushi or crabcakes or something fairly simple. I am not in the mood for anything elaborate.

I always a feel a bit bittersweet on this day. Like I always am expecting something more, more recognition but I don't want to seek that so much. Oh it is silly.

Anyway, happy birthday to me!! Thirty three...

Square Root Day

Today is square root day, 3/3/9. I guess it only happens like 9 times, is that right, this century? Okay, so it is really math nerd day. It's also the day before my birthday. 33 on 3/4/9. So not perfect symmetry, I suppose.

So it's been twenty years since I became a teenager, back in 1989. Wow, twenty years. 13 was such an anticipated age, and it's scary to think that someone born in 1996 becomes a teenager this year. 13 was such a tough age, feeling and looking so awkward, not many friends, developing body, unsure of everything. Ugh. I would not want to be 13 for anything in the world.

I got a nice new pricey dress at Ann Taylor's last night, followed by steak and crabcakes at Hops. My steak on Sunday night was much better, yum! Quiet celebrations (in the snow, ugh!) are what is being called for this year. No need for splashiness; let's save that for New Orleans, right?!?!

So this has been a remarkable year full of weddings, homes, a new nephew. Not sure what the year ahead will bring but I hope it will be another happy one. One last toast to thirty two.

Thirty-Two

So I got some nice emails this morning (and yesterday) from Michelle, Donna, and Leigh Ann. And Kevin, too. Paul just called, though we had a lousy connection. Here, Dave wished me happy birthday. I guess we're only part-way through the day, so perhaps someone else will remember. It's horrible that you remember who did not acknowledge it, like it is something you are seeking, rather than think happily about everyone who does remember. Just being honest.

We are having a quiet night at home, watching Super Tuesday II returns, and having a nice sea bass dinner. Yum. I went and got Corner Bakery ravioli for lunch. Probably an overrated lunch, but I don't let myself have that very often.

So will Hillary pull it off tonight, or will Obama triumph and knock her out? I don't think she will go too easy, and I would like to see her fight til the bitter end :)

Til later...

Getting Older

We celebrated SJE's birthday this weekend. 34. I turn 32 tomorrow. We kept it low key, drinks at Stetsons, several games of Scrabble, dinner last night at Urbana. It gets harder and harder to rally friends to come out. We, sadly, are getting older.

Hanging out with the young 'uns on Friday night reminded me we've done the DC happy hour/going out and partying scene for over a decade now, or almost a decade. Our friends are married, have kids, live in the 'burbs. I think SJE was a little sad to think of the crazy parties they'd have for birthdays and what not ten years ago, or even five years ago. But at the same time, it's nice not to have to be playing that scene. Hanging out in a crowded bar is not my idea of a good time, particularly when you can easily get cheaper drinks sitting at home and having a good conversation.

So tomorrow I celebrate--yes, celebrate--turning 32. It will be a good year, with lots of things to look forward to (like a wedding! a nephew! a new sister-in-law! fun travel! seeing old friends!). I can't wait.