Still Standing, Barely

I am still down. Still feel like I'm getting yelled at. I'm the one suffering when someone "flies off the handle."  I don't want to be with my husband much, except when others are around, and I can pretend I'm feeling okay. I'm questioning lots of decisions I've made and am wondering if I am truly young enough to start over again.

I read lines like "That means you can't fix your angry partner.  Not by being sweet.  Not by being mean.  Not even by being assertive...You need to focus your energy on yourself, not your partner.  Figure out who you are.  Take time with yourself instead of always thinking about him.  Detach."

I am going to see friends, starting tonight. I am going to go "home" in four short weeks to a place I always feel safe. I am going to attempt to be less sad and less down. And I'm going to focus on what I need.

And if I still get yelled at...I will make a decision. "I can't take it anymore."

Twenty Years

Maybe it was just having attended a twenty year reunion (not my own), and maybe it's just because J&J's 20th anniversary is coming up on Saturday. Twenty years ago I remember exactly where I was. I was finishing up driver's training, having just completed my Freshman year of high school.  We were about to go up north.

I remember those episodes so clearly, having watched them over and over and transcribed them.  I remember BNC's "All I have" and that ridiculous interruption during the first dance.  I remember the SOD and I remember how much I anticipated that week, after that stupid trial. It was a time before there were endless spoilers and no one knew really what would come next. It was Days at its peak, b/c I really don't think the show and their story ever was as good after that.

Twenty years! My favorite TV wedding. I did like Mallet & Harley's closely. Ross and Blake's was also good. But nothing compared to J&J forever. Sigh. I don't know if comeback #3 will live up to its hype, and I know I won't be watching as closely. But I will be lurking, and trying to move on from that day on July 2, twenty years ago.

What Song Are You Listening To?

This is a pretty cool video project...What Song Are You Listening To?

I came into work listening to Tooth and Claw by Jenny Reeve and Jill O'Sullivan (sp?) on the First Edition album I bought yesterday.  I mostly bought it because it was $2.99 on Amazon, though Frightened Rabbit's Scott Hutchinson is a contributor. Very cool. I should track what I'm listening to more often.

This weekend it was almost all Bon Iver, though I listened to a little of a mix that Dave Matthews' offered on itunes for free.  And I just, finally, picked up the new Starbucks Frappaccino mix.  Yeah, I'm a sucker for free tunes.

This last week

I have been away. I have been busy--Boston for work, and then we were in Texas and South Padre Island for the reunion. Had a disappointing stay at the Pearl but everything else was quite nice.

It was a respite from a time I'm barely holding on by a thread. Not a string, but a thread. My head hurts, I'm saddened and crying and I can't pretend that everything is okay. I miss my family and I miss my friends. And I'm tired of being used as a punching bag.

I need to go back to writing this all down, so I can take some comfort in this kind of catharsis. Right now it's music. After a wobbly first listen, I've been listening to the new Bon Iver and feeling its softness and comfort in that. Music is a little escape when the world is too much with you.

I've also immersed myself in the new David McCullough. He has made art and reading about art so  fascinating. The Gallery of the Louvre will be in DC and I want to see what I read about. He and Paul Johnson are simply the best writers and storytellers. Another book I will be sad to complete.

I hope things will get better and I promise to keep updating, no matter what.

Happy Father's Day

I miss my dad today.

In  many ways, I am alot like my mom. But I will always be so connected to my dad, in the books I read, the politics I believe in, in the opinions I hold.  My dad is the best, and I miss him so much today. I hate being so far away. And I am so lucky I am his daughter. Happy Father's Day, daddy.

New Music Lately V

Been a while, but streaming this gorgeous new song by Beirut named Goshen reminded me I should note my new favorite tunes.

I've been liking the War on Drugs, the new Death Cab for Cutie, the new Dawes, Foster the People (Pumped Up Kicks is the track of the summer), the Naked and the Famous, and Allie Moss.  Among others. Lots of good new tunes. All Songs Considered discussed their favorites tunes of the year, thus far. I agree with several choices, include Adele and Bright Eyes. I didn't care as much for the new Fleet Foxes.  I would have added Okkervil River, Cave Singers, Dawes, Middle Brother, Death Cab, Amos Lee, the Decemberists, Iron & Wine, perhaps others. Obviously lots of fantastic music this year. And we have six months to go!

New Contacts

All I can say, despite all of the eye issues, at least these new contacts rock. I feel like I can really "see" again.

Been a long week. I haven't had a day off, really, since Memorial Day. And god do I need some time off...

Napa Reviews

By far, the best place I've eaten in a long while is Bottega. We shared a yummy tuna appetizer, and I had this: Potato dough Raviolo filled with spinach & ricotta, black truffles, farm fresh egg yolk, sage browned butter. OMG was that wonderful. Wow.  Steve had this: Adriatic Seafood Brodetto monkfish, mussels, rock cod & fresh Monterey calamari, forno-confit tomato broth, olive oil-crouton, paprika-saffron rouille.  Then we had the tiramisu: Tiramisu & sponge cake gelato “Cocoa puff”, chocolate sauce. With the tasty parmesan olive oil dip, it was by far the best meal I've had in a while.

Angele was a disappointment. We had some Ken Wright wines which were just okay. The arugula salad with homemade cheese and plums was decent, as was the starter course of a chilled pea soup with cilantro. The risotto entree was okay, though maybe I should have gotten the pork just because of the potato.  The desserts of rice pudding and the berry one were much better. A B, maybe even a B-minus. Just good, not great.

We stopped at Trefethen, St. Supery, and Darioush..

Phoenix was good too, though I'm tired for the travel...Virgin was once again great going back. On a lame Delta flight, I did see Just Go With It.  A trashy movie but entertaining with Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler.

Weiner-gate

As a 35 year old, I am right down the middle in Megan McArdle's age split in Weiner-gate.

But I find it appalling.  He's married, he is a public official, and it's stupid to send naked or suggestive photos of yourself over the internet. He should resign. Period.

Jealous and Selfish

So many of the bloggers I read are pregnant now. And I am jealous. I so want a baby, I want to be a mommy, and most of the time I bury that deep down inside. And with my husband so angry right now, and subject to such moodiness, I know that event if I could get pregnant, it is not a good thing. He can yell at me like this, but not at a child.

But every time I see a baby or pregnancy post on facebook, my heart yearns a bit, and I wonder if and when I will ever get a turn. And I feel completely selfish--I am married and have friends, and that used to be all I could ever ask for--I just really, really want a baby. I want to be a mom and know that kind of love. I want to be a part of that club. I want to talk about families and pregnancy and have something to care about besides working all of the time and never having fun. We never have fun.

I know I am a bad person. But I want a baby, and this is my only outlet to talk about how badly I feel this.

Life is Like That

We moved into our beautiful, big new house this weekend. It felt like a dream house, with so many bedrooms and bathrooms, a beautiful deck with a view and a lovely kitchen. But life punches you in the gut. It makes your husband yell at you and call  you names. It makes you cry before work and feel snappish and on the edge. It makes you call your dad in tears because you cannot take being screamed at anymore.

Life sometimes hands you lemons and you try to make lemonade.  But sometimes the lemonade is sour too. Sometimes you just try and try and you still get screamed at. Sometimes you cannot take it any longer.

Capitol Hill Classic

2.5 weeks ago, I ran my first 10K, the Capitol Hill Classic.

I've been running/slumping lately, and it was a warm and muggy day. I was afraid it might rain. And I wasn't feeling terribly prepared, but I knew I could wing it...and thus I did. I finished in a very respectable 54:49, for an average of 8:47. Not great, and I've done better. 29/133 for my age group, and 233/984 overall. At least it was the top 25%. Mr. Speedy finished in a remarkable 51:16 for 8:15 miles. Faster than anything I've done since that St. Patrick's day 8K last year. But finishing a race is always an accomplishment, and it's a PR if you have not done that distance before.

Lots to Do!

So closing went well! And now we have a few days left til we move, and I'm anxious. I just want to get these few days over with and move on, and finish unpacking and packing and unpacking some more. I just want time to move a little faster.

But at least we didn't have to move in today's 95 degree temperatures. It is ungodly hot for June 1.

I'm excited for the new place, the quiet, the new kitchen to explore, the new decks and the new street. The closeness to HT, and the metro, and hopefully nice neighbors I don't want to avoid. I am looking forward to Saturday afternoon, when we can breathe a sigh of relief, and sleep soundly in our bed.