Can't Listen...

Is it wrong to say I'm finding baby/pregnancy talk insufferable? I mean, I am cringing listening to the laughter, the overload of information, the comparison of notes, etc. It is too much.

Jealous and Selfish

So many of the bloggers I read are pregnant now. And I am jealous. I so want a baby, I want to be a mommy, and most of the time I bury that deep down inside. And with my husband so angry right now, and subject to such moodiness, I know that event if I could get pregnant, it is not a good thing. He can yell at me like this, but not at a child.

But every time I see a baby or pregnancy post on facebook, my heart yearns a bit, and I wonder if and when I will ever get a turn. And I feel completely selfish--I am married and have friends, and that used to be all I could ever ask for--I just really, really want a baby. I want to be a mom and know that kind of love. I want to be a part of that club. I want to talk about families and pregnancy and have something to care about besides working all of the time and never having fun. We never have fun.

I know I am a bad person. But I want a baby, and this is my only outlet to talk about how badly I feel this.

Envy

Yeah, I'm getting to that point...whether it's hearing of a friend or a colleague or a celebrity, it makes me a bit wistful.

It will be alright, alright, alright...that is all I can say. Alright with me.

Everyone in Hollywood is pregnant....

Natalie Portman, Alicia Silverstone, Kate Hudson, Jewel, Selma Blair, Tia Mowry, Jane Krakowski, Victoria Beckham, and Marion Cotillard are among those who have announced pregnancies in the past week or so.

Ask me I feel bittersweet about this? A group of people with three married couples amongst the single ladies?

Yes, I am. And I think of Alicia Silverstone, who is about my age, and I feel bittersweet in starting to wonder if it will ever happen for me.

I used to think I'd be satisfied if X happened. But there is always Y lurking. And I hate that, I hate being jealous and I have not knowing. I should be practicing the true spirit of gratitude that I preach. But oh is it tough.

Babies

Lots of babies lately...I have lost track of them lately, as they arrive every few weeks. LL's had his latest, Jane. Beautiful little girl, named after her big sister. Former housemates, work colleagues, former classmates, friends from DC, and friends from the Georgetown crew. Babies being born in the year of the baby.

Do I feel a bit bittersweet about this? Of course. Of course. I have days when I really want to be a mom, and other days, when I am happy I am able to run 10 miles in 1:23:24 (what a time!).  And days when I feel bittersweet about the entire thing.

Maybe next year. Or the year after.  I don't know when, not in ten or eleven years, though! I just want it to be right.  Whenever that may be, if I am blessed and lucky enough.

Chicago Bound

We're off to Chicago tomorrow, which will probably mean more drunken debauchery and shenanigans. Though there are a lot of pregnant ladies this year, so perhaps folks will be on their best behavior.

I'm supposed to see Michelle, and a year ago, she told me she was thinking of babies. I wonder if she has news, or if she has different news. I feel self-conscious all of a sudden, like I should have news. Like turning 34 means biological clock issues are at the forefront. But I'm working, not a wife along for the ride. Sigh. I wish things were easy about this.

Speaking of babies, guess which nephew will be TWO tomorrow!!!! Two. Sigh. He doesn't know us, but at least in two weeks we'll be there to visit!