That Was Then

So I read a lot of blogs, but this particular entry really touched me.

You know, it's been twenty years since junior high, and I think at least once or twice a week I think about those days. Maybe it is seeing everyone on facebook, and seeing their relationships that are so tight after so long, or the fact they have changed or have not changed or whatever. It is amazing at how you lose judgment of some of those people who tortured you on the softball field, or ridiculed you for getting straight As, or excluded you from a pool party even after they "pretended" to be friends with you for a while, at least until the popular crowd came calling. I will never forget the feeling of shame and unhappiness every June when all of the "cool kids" got invited to Julie's pool party, and I was one of a handful left out. The facebook friends even remember that when it was her birthday! I still remember being taunted by parents playing softball, or people calling me ugly and reminding me of the reasons I'd "never have a boyfriend." It is so relentless, and so difficult.

And twenty years later, I have great friends and a great husband and a great job and money and luxuries I didn't have then. And yet a part of it remains. And I described it in my comment as bittersweet, because it is. Those feelings resonate with me so many years later. And I won't justify it as silly, because it wasn't. It was not funny. It was hurtful. And one of my core beliefs is that we are responsible for our own actions, and our own reactions, ultimately. And at 14, you know the meaning of right from wrong, good from bad, hurtful and kind. And you can be brave or be a coward, or you can be generous or be selfish.

I would NEVER go back to being 12 or 13 or 14 again. I know there were kids, like Maria A., who had it so much worse than me. And all of these years later, I worry and wonder how she is. I know there were kids who escaped a lot of it, and who were neither teased not teasers. And I know some who were vicious, and I wouldn't friend them without any kind of apology. Or without one.

I do worry, if I have children and especially a daughter, how I would feel if they received the same level or any level of harassment or teasing. It would break my heart. And it is so easy to tell her you grow up, you move on, you make friends, you meet boys, you become liked and loved and happy and social. But at 12, when being lonely and without friends is one of the worst things imaginable, you can't offer that kind of reassurance because 34 or 24 or 19 are SO far off.

Yes, it does get better. But patience is demanded. I will always regret, with a feeling of bittersweet, not having happier memories from those years. Thank God for my family, because that really is the most important thing. But to a 12 or 13 or 14 year old girl, you still need more, as selfish as it is.