The End of Grey's...

Internet is a-buzzing about about McDreamy's death last night on Grey's Anatomy. I haven't watched the full episode yet, and I am not sure that I will. But it disturbed me last night, and the senseless of this as "entertainment" haunted me as a I drifted off to sleep. I think I'm done with watching tragedy as entertainment. Sure, his good-bye will make you think a bit more about your loved ones, about the temporal nature of being and how any moment can bring you to your knees. But a television show? Where plane crashes have killed siblings, Alzheimer's killed mothers, where people are shot...I never watched the episode where Jackson & April's child died, because really--that is supposed to be entertainment? The actress was pregnant! Not entertainment.

So I don't think I will be regularly tuning in to the show anymore. I live too much in my head, and I don't need to be haunted by "this could happen to you..." We all know that. We don't need to see our nightmares play out in real life.

The Americans

Paste rounds-up some of the most compelling moments from this season. Season finale is tonight!

Early Thoughts on the Election

If a presidential candidate was the former Secretary of State, a former United States Senator, and a partner in a foundation that sought to "improve people's lives," and had unparalleled name recognition, you'd think that particular candidate would be a leading one for president.

Winning candidates often don't hold the best resume. Ask the incumbent, right? It's more than a resume, it's more than a law degree. It's rhetoric (ask Ronald Reagan), it's charisma (ask Clinton), and it's an image (ask Kennedy) of what the country wants in a leader, all bundled together. And it's often identity politics (ask Obama).

It is April 20, and the presidential election is over 18 months away. I'll go on record now that a minority or a woman will be on a winning ticket. And like I've said all along, it won't be Hillary.

I'm unexcited about the prospect of a woman in the White House. It does not matter to me one iota. We've had two female candidates for vice president, and both were flawed. We've had flawed presidential candidates. Whether it is two white men, a woman and a white man, or a Hispanic and a woman, it doesn't matter. It's the substance of an individual in a time of national security risks from the middle east and Russia and North Korean; it's a time when individual liberties and the First Amendment is under threat; it's a time when religious believers are shamed as bigots; and it is a time when the soft bigotry of low expectations dooms another generation to live in an urban prison, because educational opportunities are closed when you can't bother to finish high school.

I don't care if it's a woman, or if it's someone with an impressive resume. I care about integrity. I care about honesty and transparency, fully realizing that a lot of politics happens behind closed doors (much like sausage) for very good reasons. I care about the truth this country bears. I care about what opportunities will be available in global competition for my nephews and niece.

I selfishly care about what opportunities may avail themselves to me someday. I was watching Mad Men last night, and Peggy Olsen was asked by Don about what her vision for her future was. She wanted to be the first female creative director at the agency, and she wanted to create something of lasting value. I've diminished myself for too long, often in my own insecurities and in the little ways I demean myself on a daily basis. But I want to dream big, too. And if a door were to open to me, I want that badly.

Monday Ten

1. Chicago, and Acadia, made for some good eating. The seven mile run didn't hurt, either.
2. Lowlight: that text from Michelle. D made a good point, and I was thinking it, too, though I didn't want to articulate it. She was needlessly provocative, and frankly, she was hurtful. And I know she is hurting herself, and she is in pain and maybe not thoughtful. But it was defensive and designed to make us feel like bad people. It is hard to "abandon" someone when they turn you away at every visit. But I don't know.
3. The epic dinner speech. We will be talking about that for a while...
4. Sunshine and 70s. Best time of the year. And full bloom cherry blossoms.
5. Enjoying a lot the San Fermin album.
6. The Americans and Mad Men are my two favorites right now. But last night's Megan-centric episode just was weak to me.
7. Presidential announcements are coming...Ted Cruz and Hillary and Rand Paul and Marco Rubio. Many to come.
8. The weekend WSJ is a simple pleasure on flights home.
9. Happy to have some of the block party bureaucracy behind us.
10. How many days til Friday?

Monday Musings

1. I don't recall the last truly great weekend I had for Easter. Not this one.

2. We're supposed to engage with Cuba or Iran or with gay marriage opponents. They don't need to see into Christians' eyes, or experience the perspective of those Cuban refugees who have been persecuted for decades.
3. I remember being heartbroken a few months ago with news of the plane crash that killed most of the Gemmell family. I found this update from February.

"As I've told my daughter, we don't want to let this completely defeat us," he said. "We don't want this to become what defines our lives, or ruins the rest of our lives going forward. For the most part, we just need to persevere and do what we can to honor Marie, Cole and Devin."

If there's one thing Ken Gemmell wants others to know, it's this: "Just how great of a mother she was. She really did love the kids so much."

Wow. I think of them after Easter, how death didn't defeat Jesus Christ, and the love he had to lay down his life for his friends. There's something profoundly moving and inspirational amidst the tragedy. It's hard to read any of the GoFund Me accounts. I am not that strong.
4. There have been too many pregnancy announcements lately, and I'm quietly depressed by it. I am not sure I can continue following along the cute facebook updates, the celebrity moms, etc. So there. I said it.
5.  Good advice. Easier said than actually implemented.

More Things I Think...

1. I am excited for the new Blue Apron order. Lamb meatballs, seared chicken, cod. Yum.
2. It's Holy Thursday.  I remember always going to the evening service at St. V's so many years ago with mom, seeing the altar servers and the darkness, the incense, the procession. Such a profound moment during this week. It has been at least what, twenty years? Wow.
3. Sunshine and 70s today. Yes. Spring is slowly blooming.
4. I finished A Peace to End All Peace last night. I will begin Dead Wake by Erik Larson next. I am still itching to find something else on the Ottoman empire or Turkey or maybe Israel...not sure what.
5. The Americans last night...wow. Paige learning who her parents really are was a shock, to say the least. What marvelous acting. It's refreshing not to be spoiled, and I think that also contributes to the quality of the show. Like Mad Men, you have no idea what will come next. We're entering 1983 right now in the show--based on when Tootsie premiered, though Christmas hasn't been mentioned--and with three episodes remaining this season, anything can happen. Amazing that I am old enough to remember that time, too. I was the exact age of Joey, first grade.
6. Four weeks to the big office move. I am excited for the new gym and the fact that there may be actual temperature control and outdoor space. The rest, we shall see. Like the windows...
7. Yoga last night. It was so crowded. I have such a love-hate relationship with yoga. I want to like it and become more flexible, and if I'm in Warrior 2 or even 3 I feel stronger. But most of the time, I'm too self-conscious, thinking of too many other things, and so distracted by the others who can do headstands. That is not what yoga is all about.
8. Though I am excited we bought the elliptical. Worthwhile purchase.
9. Ten years ago Pope John Paul II passed away.
10. This story, about the mom who murdered her children and stowed them in the freezer, sickens me. A death penalty is too good for her.

Ten Things I Think

1. All of this ridiculous controversy over the Indiana RFRA makes me very concerned that religious liberties are going to become even more acceptable to discriminate against. The sweeping generalizations that the left has made about it, the painting of Republicans and religious conservatives as intolerant bigots, and the media bias toward this is beyond the pale.

2. So much good music lately, including Courtney Barnett, Lord Huron, Death Cab, Laura Marling...I'm feeling more optimistic that this year's music will be as good as two years ago.

3. It's April and it snowed in Michigan yesterday. I really hope next week is warm in the Midwest.

4. Why oh why is Monica Lewinsky in the headlines? But if it reminds people of how shamefully the Clintons treated her, all the better.

5. Sick of getting Ted Cruz campaign calls. When will Scott Walker enter?

6. One month about done, and 11 more left in my 30s. I can't...

7. Very concerned about good health lately. Just worried.

8. I'm looking forward to trying Blue Apron again tomorrow night and this weekend. I need to cook more and branch out. Of the first group, turkey chilli was my favorite. I loved the addition of avocado.

9. It's been nice to have some girl time this past Saturday and with Sara's shower. I cannot believe they have their baby already. Funny saying already, after so many years of waiting, though.

10. I'm almost done with "A Peace to End All Peace." Shameful at how Great Britain and France carved up the Middle East and how the United States abdicated all leadership then. It's been very educational reading these books on Islam and the WWI/post-WWI era and how that laid the foundation for so many years of tragedy in that region.

And I need to write more. I know.

Taking it for Granted

At 39, I see and feel myself growing a little bit older. A few more fine lines on my hands and face, a touch less energy. A few more tummy issues. A recognition that my parents are about to become grandparents of four. Fewer baby showers, fewer wedding showers. No desire to hit Bourbon Street on trips to New Orleans.

I saw this piece this morning about a woman who labored to complete a 10K. And part of me wanted to scoff at her overeach--she is out of shape and probably had no business trying to complete that distance. But upon further reflection, and realizing how she had lost nearly 200 pounds, I realize how far she had come. And the compassion of the officer who assisted her in the journey was stark and striking. How far she had come, and it didn't matter how long it had taken to arrive. True, she was at a 20 minute pace clip. But she had made it.

Running was something that came to me later in life, and I don't want to ever take it for granted. Maybe my days of 8 minute miles are past me, but I still could run a 10K in far less than an hour on a whim. Most days, anyway. And maybe my difficult 10K is akin to my ability/desire to try yoga headstands or crow or other poses that are simply impossible for me.

A little more compassion would serve us to do good and to be well. At 39, maybe I can recognize some limitations, but that should not let it stop me. It's the journey, right?

Thirty Nine

Has it been a month?

I don't know where this year has gone...well, yes I do. I've been in Louisiana, California, Arkansas (x2), Chicago, and Florida. And the travel will continue quite a bit going forward.

I'm not feeling 100%, either. I'm tired. Dealing with a cold/bronchitis. Dealing with some digestion issues; my body doesn't like vegetables right now. And I'm depressed by the ridiculous, unending cold weather, the imminent March snowfall, and the darkness and gloominess. I can't recall a three week stretch in DC as bad as this one. Light will shine next week, maybe.

But I'm at 39, and to borrow Kathy's phrase, celebrating what's sure to be the first of many 39th birthdays. I hope so, at least. You don't take it for granted. I feel a little slower, uneasier, lethargic. I feel my age for really and truly the first time. I don't feel "young." And I wonder if I ever do have a baby, how I will cope. My energy is truly lower.

Though schedule has something to do with that. I'd adjust. And that's what I truly want for this year. The beginning of my 40th year. Wow, can you believe that?

I also hope to write more often, because I miss it and it's too easy to move along on busy days like I've had. But it's something I've been doing, journaling, mostly on for 30  years.

So cheers to 39, and cheers to 40. And I hope this year brings....joy.

Bobbi Christina

Bobbi Christina Brown, Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown's daughter, shares her birthday with me (though, ahem, 17 years later). I've been sadly following the story of her drowning. It hasn't escaped me that today is her father's birthday, and next week is the anniversary of her mother's death.

I remember when she was born, and the tragedy of her life rivals probably Michael Jackson's kids as bizarrely unconventional, with erratic family support and constant public scrutiny. But man. Why does it have to end like that? She must have been so depressed and screwed up and just lost to take drugs or do whatever she did before very likely dying in the same manner that her mother did.

Some have compared this to the situation with Anna Nicole Smith. And anytime someone so young dies, well, it's just awful. I am not sure I'd use the word tragic, but there's a loss of potential. A loss of an opportunity to truly transcend the sadness and make something of her life.

Anyway, again, maybe it's because of the shared birthday. But at 21 going on nothing...sadness all around.