Grays

I think I found a gray hair today.

My hair can get a tinge of blondish reddish sometimes in the summer. But this was a pale, white one.

Ugh.

I don't dwell on the fact that I'm only 22 months away from 40, or that next week will mark twenty years since I've graduated from high school. Or I've had this job for 15 years. Or that my parents are in their late 60s. I mean, I still feel the way I did when I was 24.

I'm going to interview a kid that was basically born in 1992. I was sixteen then. Gah.

I search for new lines on my face and crow's feet, and lines on my hands. And wrinkles. And it's hard to relate to people who don't remember the years I was in high school, or even college. Or who were born nearly into the Clinton presidency. And I've yet to contemplate becoming someone's mother.

I will fight to keep my natural brown hair for as long as I can. But I won't fight forever.  I can't fight Mother Nature. I guess it beats the alternative.

Celebrations

We had dinner at Bourbon Steak in Georgetown this past weekend to help a friend celebrate 4-0. The latest in a series of birthday celebrations for those born in 1974.

I have a little time to go before that particular milestone. Though I think I remember these guys turning 30. Or 26. And they remember each other turning 21. And here they are, friends so man years later, really a half of a lifetime later.

I am a little uneasy as this year starts. I don't know why. I don't feel particularly happy or content, but I'm not necessarily unhappy. It's an odd thing, I think. To just feel at the edge, and not entirely comfortable. Maybe there's a sense of groundhogs day, and maybe I'm just waiting for that family development I want and don't talk about.

There will be other steak dinners and other celebrations. And other field trips to what used to be the Brickskeller. How much time have we spent there over the years?

But where I am at, at 37 going on 38, I am not sure.

New Nephew

Becoming an aunt is so sweet, again. Both of my little brothers are daddies, and I can't be happier. Just before you know who was re-inaugurated again, Little C.C. entered the world. All 9 pounds and 3 ounces of him.

He was in the back of my mind yesterday, at the gym and watching the Perks of Being a Wallflower. I kept wondering what he'd be like in high school, what his friends would be like, what he would like to study, what color his hair would be and how he'd be as a big brother. I wonder if he'll be happy, or athletic, or like to read or travel.  So much amazing potential.

It's a little bittersweet, sure. And I know why. But maybe someday he'll have more cousins...

SATC Later

Girls, a new HBO series, premiered Sunday to a lot of critical acclaim and buzz.  Apparently, it's Gen Y's Sex and the City.  It also happens to star several actresses who just so happen to have famous parents with industry connections (like Brian Williams).

I don't have HBO, so I'm not sure I'm going to be watching it anytime soon, other than on You Tube.  I'm a betweener, 10 years younger than the ladies of SATC and 10 years older (or more) than the Girls. So I can't really relate to either, though SATC (with the exception of Samantha) really was a Gen Xer show.  Certainly these issues are timeless--coming of age, supporting yourself, figuring out life in the city and relationships and careers and friendships.  I guess if you had this show for someone my age, you'd have Keri Russell, Reese Witherspoon, Candace Cameron, and Kate Winslet out there.  Not quite Sarah Jessica Parker, and not quite Gen Y.

As long as the writing is good, not to mention the acting, then people will watch, even if you don't fit neatly into the generation that it's speaking to. But it sure seems funny when you are caught in between. 

Old Age

So this is random, but I saw a post that Selena Gomez is turning 18 tomorrow. Her mother is my age; actually, she's about a month or two younger than me. I could be the mother of an 18 year old.

I don't have children. Selena Gomez could conceivably have a child before me, making her 34 year old mother a grandmother. That is frighteningly.

I was always taken aback when I think of how girls from school have teenagers already. I cannot imagine having a teenager, and how much that would have changed my life. Your priorities are so different. I would not have wanted that path. I do give those women credit for being good moms, keeping their babies, and working to have a better life for their families.

God, can you imagine being 34 and having an 18 year old daughter? Just blows me away.

Baby Baby

So lately, with the sheet number of new moms and moms-to-be that I know, babies are on the brain. I've lost track of who is pregnant, who just had a baby, and who will probably be pregnant with #2 before not too much longer. And I'm okay with that. Really, I am. But six months from now, maybe I won't be as okay with it. Maybe not even three months from now.

I worry it will or will not happen. I worry that people will think there is something wrong with me. I worry I will be letting the grandparents down, or that I'm a poseur or hiding. I worry I am getting too old, or I will be too old before long. And I worry that I really can't have one.

Holding little Blake, I could almost close my eyes and think that maybe one day, that will be my baby in my arms. So soft and small and so doted upon. Even if you're tired. Even if you are poor. Even if you just want to give up one day but know you can't.

I worry that pregnancy will even be passe, that all of the now moms will not care about infants at that stage. And I worry that I worry about being current and trendy.

You worry about children far before they are even here, don't you?

Oldness

I ran across this link about "culture that makes you feel old." I think I felt old when most of the commentators mentioned their ages and they were all born after me!

The ones that made me feel oldest were the ones born in 1994...when I graduated from high school.

I think I try to stay up on some aspects of pop culture, at least music, though not the kind of Joe Jonas/Miley Cyrus drek that would compare to the worst of the NKOTB/N'Sync drivel of years past.

But movies and TV shows and whatever is on MTV makes me feel old. So is realizing that most of the young 'uns in the office don't remember the Reagan Administration. Or that the high school class of 2010 was born in 1992! Abby Deveraux on Days should be graduating from high school, LOL!

I don't feel old so much as feel more conscious that I'm not regarded as a young 20 something anymore. I'm a parental age. I remember when mom & dad were my age. They had three kids. I started kindergarten when dad was 34, and I am still trying to figure out the entire children thing. I have friends married to men in their 40s, and that it isn't old. I have friends who are almost 40. Not old either. And friends on facebook at least who have teenagers. Teenagers.

The Beloit Mindset list for the class of 2013 makes me feel, and so does the fact that it started four years after I graduated from college. There you have it.

Songs from the Years of Life...

A post on Monitor Mix asked about songs you related to at a certain age. She cited Jack & Diane's line about "hold on to 16 as long as you can" as one example. Another reader cited the Circle Game (gosh, what a great song!). Others mentioned several of the songs that cited 17 or songs from Sinatra or John Mayer or Janis Ian that mentioned certain years. Someone mentioned Pete Townshend's line in "Slit Skirts":

I was just thirty-four years old and I was still wandering in a haze
I was wondering why everyone I met seemed like they were lost in a maze

Five For Fighting's 100 years really had meaning for me this past year:

I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a 'they'
A kid on the way, babe
A family on my mind

With every new (weekly?) pregnancy announcement or milestone or baby born, I think about these words and the passage of time. Different things on my mine, different goals to reach.

15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you're on your way
Every day's a new day

Ageless

I was flipping through Allure today at CVS and the issue this month focused on aging. One piece focused on how 36 seemed to be an "ideal" age...not too young or old, when a woman still feels at the prime of her beauty. The piece pointed out that Heidi Klum, Penelope Cruz, several other were all turning 36 and of course gorgeous.

You inevitably compare yourself to others your age...for me it's Reese Witherspoon or Keri Russell or Milla Jovovich or Candace Cameron Bure or Isla Fisher or Rashida Jones or Ali Larter or Michelle Monaghan or Alison Sweeney or any number of other gorgeous actors and models born then. I don't like look that bad in comparison, do I???

But it also reminds me of the brouhaha surrounding Giselle Bundchen's recent Vogue cover, where she talks about weight gain in pregnancy and it not being a big deal, at least to her.

It reminded me of running in the race; the only person you compete against is yourself. You shouldn't be worried that a supermodel barely gained weight, or a model can appear size 2 long after she's had three kids.

But it's still hard not to compare, or worry when you're on the wrong side of 36. Not there yet. Will be soon enough.