Old Friends

M sent another email indicating that she's in bad shape, and she doesn't know how much longer she can live like that. I don't know what to say or how to say it. I mean, there's a breath I hold every time I've received a middle-of-the-night email from her. It sounds like her pain is acute and her suffering endless. But I also think, she's six months older than me! She should be living her life and fighting.

I think she's been deprived of a good ten plus years of life. Just awful. I think she had some pain issues a decade ago, and maybe this is all resulting from some dental work she had done in the past. It's weird and fluky and it could happen to anyone.

So I pray that she won't do anything to further help herself. And I pray for S, because he must be suffering terribly, too.

Ten Things on My Mind

1. I wish I hadn't suggested a baby shower for S. Just being honest.
2. Looking forward to this three day weekend, so I can actually work out.
3. I've been craving chocolate lately. Weird.
4. 4:30 meetings are evil.
5. I really miss my nephews.
6. This bizarro John Kerry/James Taylor "You've got a friend" things is too weird.
7. I need to get a new suit.
8. I'm over the NFL, sadly, after last Sunday's sad loss.
9. Has it been almost a month since Christmas vacation? Where does the time go?
10. Pomegranate green tea is an afternoon tradition now.

Sooo...

It's been a month.

The holidays rushed by...the Bahamas and Michigan and then back to DC, lots of shopping for mattresses and disastrous bookshelves, NYE and a trip to Louisiana. And back again, and unprepared for Cowboys devastating losses and everything else that 2015 may or may not bring.

And the world is responding, with violent attacks in Paris and a metro smoke incident resulting in one death. The world is troubling. And awful cold.

Enroute to and from Lafayette, I read The Looming Tower. Captivating read, though the book is nearly a decade old. You forget how frightening and on edge the world was. Watching the Charlie Hedbo and Jewish grocery store attacks, you remember. Like it was yesterday.

So I will write more. I promise. But what a start to 2015, huh?

One Week...

We played that BNL song enroute to work tonight. Somehow I have a feeling I'll be checking email even after leaving for Christmas.

It's been a year. Several trips, including Oslo. Several frustrations at work. Luckily, the family is healthy and we have another nephew. We have not had to suffer much.

It's two weeks and one day to my 39th Christmas. And you know, I'm not even feeling that spirit this year. We haven't decorated at home, we haven't even gone to the mall to go shopping. What's been done is all online. We haven't even bought a tree.

Some of it is preaching that kindness and that coolness that I feed myself. Some of it is just being tired and need to give myself a true break from trying to do it all. It's something only women try to do: it all. And there's always an element of second guessing.

So one week. And there's a lot ahead this week, something almost every day. So here's to making it a good week. 

Thanksgiving, Sick, Etc.

Been a long week. I keep saying "I survived Thanksgiving." I survived the trip, the Turkey Trot, the photos, the Melatonin, and Interstellar. I hate to be crude about it. But after coming home, sick and facing insomnia, well, I was glad to be home. It was too much.

I need to strive to care for myself better. Nurse myself, treat myself gingerly, take care now. I think it's easy to put yourself on the back burner. Very easy, when you strive to care for others. And I think it's wearing my body down. I did get to run this morning and yesterday, and though I was exhausted from the Tylenol PM, at least I did it. And it felt good getting that done before 8am.

This weekend? Watch football, relax, sleep. See friends. Take care. Treat myself kindly, and strive to treat others kindly, too.

J&J

Everyone now and then, out of nowhere, I get lost in the J&J story. Lately, it's been the rape aftermath, because Days apparently can't stop beating that story. Gosh, I can't believe this really started 25 years ago. I don't know how I even got so into them, maybe it was watching a bit over Christmas and breaks, and then I really got sucked into the COD. It was June 1990, really, but something must have sparked that interest. Being 14 at the time, I was at that age, too. The perfect storm. And watching those scenes, so readily available on YouTube, damn. I forget and then remember all over again how wrapped up I was in that story, how wonderful the acting was, how captivating and frustrating and angst-filled it all was.

Anyway, I am sure my interest will recede, but I know when other stressful things are on my mind, I get lost in those Days. It's a good escape, albeit only a temporary one.

Four Things

Four names that people call me other than my real name:

1. LisaBeee
2. Sweetie

Four jobs I’ve had:

1. Aco Hardware
2. Arbor Drugs
3. The Children's Place
4. Giffels

Four movies you’ve watched more than once:

1. It's a Wonderful Life
2. With Honors
3. Pretty Women
4. Dirty Dancing

Four books I’d recommend:

1. A History of the American People
2. Rules of Civility
3. A Good Man is Hard to Find and other Short Stories
4. James Madison by Lynne Cheney
   

Four places I’ve lived

1. Detroit
2. Indiana
3. Washington, DC
4. Arlington, VA

Four Places you have visited:

1. Dublin
2. Oslo
3. Uganda
4. Finland

Four places I’d rather be right now:

1. The Bahamas
2. at my parents' house
3. with my nephews
4. Paris

Four things I don’t eat:

1. Olives
2. canned tuna fish
3. kiska
4. sweet breads

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Lasagna
2. Pizza
3. Potato Chips
4. Sushi

Four TV shows I watch:

1. Nashville
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. The Big Bang Theory
4. Mad Men

Four things I’m looking forward to this year:

1. Bahamas
2. Thanksgiving
3. Christmas
4. Visiting Cincinnati

Immigration

This may be one of the worst columns I’ve ever seen. How dare the US make our country so attractive that we force Cuban doctors, exploited by their communist government, to want to defect! (and it’s all George W. Bush’s fault, since the policy was created in 2006). 

So Disgruntlement...

I've been going through those stages in the last, oh 15 years, when I just need to move on. I work so hard, feel so little respect, and just get so disgruntled. And you do this flip side, bargaining sort of perspective: Lucky to have a job, lucky to have members I consider friends, lucky to have these kinds of opportunities in general. And then I feel cut off, and disconnected, and ignored. And again, that idea of ego affects me. And I know my attitude is awful now, and I'm maybe being short-sided. I don't know.

I always prided myself on knowing that hard work is acknowledged and rewarded, but motivation...that is the tricky part and where many fall flat. But it's a vicious circle oftentimes: you lose that impetus to advance when you think that everything you do is overlooked. And it's hard to know if you are being sensitive or if you're being realistic. And when it's time to forge onward.

I don't know. I'll see how I feel after yet another convention. I anticipate this time yet dread it. If only I had something going on...I used to fantasize a bit about being pregnant, about feeling well-known and admired and being a central figure. But now I just want to muddle through.

Standing Up for Yourself

One of my deepest regrets in life is how I've occasionally let people steal my joy. More than occasionally. I've let people insult me, yell at me, demean me, and I haven't always defended myself. I let others make me feel diminished.

Maybe it's because of a looming milestone birthday in 16 months. Maybe it's because I was so hurt yesterday to not be included in an awesome black tie gala that I would have felt so honored to attend. Maybe it's because I wasn't considered at all. I don't know.

I have neglected writing a lot. I don't think it is has been become of a lack of things to say. I've certainly mentally noted a number of ideas and internal essays that recount and extrapolate on various slights. Or perceived slights. Or just raw feelings that I can't articulate because of some inner defensiveness, some deep desire to not let others see my wounds.

I'm not a showy person. I'm an introvert in an extrovert's world, and that is the source of both weakness and strength. I can turn it on, but I usually recoil within.

I guess some of this comes from a hidden pride, and that's also not always a good thing. Of course, I have an ego and of course I'd like my self-esteem safely patted and appreciated and nurtured. I will always remember that convention about 11 years ago when I got some whoomps during staff recognition, and it was such a quiet thrill to have comments on that. I don't think I've ever felt that appreciated in my life. Or grateful. It brings a tear to this day.

I also need to be more of an advocate for others. I could do more to appreciate support that I have received. But first, I need to work on recovering my own joy. I have an immense amount of gratitude to have a home, a job, a husband, a brilliant family, and a wide circle of friends and supportive associates. But sometimes you just need that extra bit of love. Or an out of nowhere measure of devotion. Or a boost. Ask and you shall receive, once in a while. Or not.