One of my deepest regrets in life is how I've occasionally let people steal my joy. More than occasionally. I've let people insult me, yell at me, demean me, and I haven't always defended myself. I let others make me feel diminished.
Maybe it's because of a looming milestone birthday in 16 months. Maybe it's because I was so hurt yesterday to not be included in an awesome black tie gala that I would have felt so honored to attend. Maybe it's because I wasn't considered at all. I don't know.
I have neglected writing a lot. I don't think it is has been become of a lack of things to say. I've certainly mentally noted a number of ideas and internal essays that recount and extrapolate on various slights. Or perceived slights. Or just raw feelings that I can't articulate because of some inner defensiveness, some deep desire to not let others see my wounds.
I'm not a showy person. I'm an introvert in an extrovert's world, and that is the source of both weakness and strength. I can turn it on, but I usually recoil within.
I guess some of this comes from a hidden pride, and that's also not always a good thing. Of course, I have an ego and of course I'd like my self-esteem safely patted and appreciated and nurtured. I will always remember that convention about 11 years ago when I got some whoomps during staff recognition, and it was such a quiet thrill to have comments on that. I don't think I've ever felt that appreciated in my life. Or grateful. It brings a tear to this day.
I also need to be more of an advocate for others. I could do more to appreciate support that I have received. But first, I need to work on recovering my own joy. I have an immense amount of gratitude to have a home, a job, a husband, a brilliant family, and a wide circle of friends and supportive associates. But sometimes you just need that extra bit of love. Or an out of nowhere measure of devotion. Or a boost. Ask and you shall receive, once in a while. Or not.
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