Taking it for Granted

At 39, I see and feel myself growing a little bit older. A few more fine lines on my hands and face, a touch less energy. A few more tummy issues. A recognition that my parents are about to become grandparents of four. Fewer baby showers, fewer wedding showers. No desire to hit Bourbon Street on trips to New Orleans.

I saw this piece this morning about a woman who labored to complete a 10K. And part of me wanted to scoff at her overeach--she is out of shape and probably had no business trying to complete that distance. But upon further reflection, and realizing how she had lost nearly 200 pounds, I realize how far she had come. And the compassion of the officer who assisted her in the journey was stark and striking. How far she had come, and it didn't matter how long it had taken to arrive. True, she was at a 20 minute pace clip. But she had made it.

Running was something that came to me later in life, and I don't want to ever take it for granted. Maybe my days of 8 minute miles are past me, but I still could run a 10K in far less than an hour on a whim. Most days, anyway. And maybe my difficult 10K is akin to my ability/desire to try yoga headstands or crow or other poses that are simply impossible for me.

A little more compassion would serve us to do good and to be well. At 39, maybe I can recognize some limitations, but that should not let it stop me. It's the journey, right?

Thirty Nine

Has it been a month?

I don't know where this year has gone...well, yes I do. I've been in Louisiana, California, Arkansas (x2), Chicago, and Florida. And the travel will continue quite a bit going forward.

I'm not feeling 100%, either. I'm tired. Dealing with a cold/bronchitis. Dealing with some digestion issues; my body doesn't like vegetables right now. And I'm depressed by the ridiculous, unending cold weather, the imminent March snowfall, and the darkness and gloominess. I can't recall a three week stretch in DC as bad as this one. Light will shine next week, maybe.

But I'm at 39, and to borrow Kathy's phrase, celebrating what's sure to be the first of many 39th birthdays. I hope so, at least. You don't take it for granted. I feel a little slower, uneasier, lethargic. I feel my age for really and truly the first time. I don't feel "young." And I wonder if I ever do have a baby, how I will cope. My energy is truly lower.

Though schedule has something to do with that. I'd adjust. And that's what I truly want for this year. The beginning of my 40th year. Wow, can you believe that?

I also hope to write more often, because I miss it and it's too easy to move along on busy days like I've had. But it's something I've been doing, journaling, mostly on for 30  years.

So cheers to 39, and cheers to 40. And I hope this year brings....joy.

Bobbi Christina

Bobbi Christina Brown, Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown's daughter, shares her birthday with me (though, ahem, 17 years later). I've been sadly following the story of her drowning. It hasn't escaped me that today is her father's birthday, and next week is the anniversary of her mother's death.

I remember when she was born, and the tragedy of her life rivals probably Michael Jackson's kids as bizarrely unconventional, with erratic family support and constant public scrutiny. But man. Why does it have to end like that? She must have been so depressed and screwed up and just lost to take drugs or do whatever she did before very likely dying in the same manner that her mother did.

Some have compared this to the situation with Anna Nicole Smith. And anytime someone so young dies, well, it's just awful. I am not sure I'd use the word tragic, but there's a loss of potential. A loss of an opportunity to truly transcend the sadness and make something of her life.

Anyway, again, maybe it's because of the shared birthday. But at 21 going on nothing...sadness all around.

Old Friends

M sent another email indicating that she's in bad shape, and she doesn't know how much longer she can live like that. I don't know what to say or how to say it. I mean, there's a breath I hold every time I've received a middle-of-the-night email from her. It sounds like her pain is acute and her suffering endless. But I also think, she's six months older than me! She should be living her life and fighting.

I think she's been deprived of a good ten plus years of life. Just awful. I think she had some pain issues a decade ago, and maybe this is all resulting from some dental work she had done in the past. It's weird and fluky and it could happen to anyone.

So I pray that she won't do anything to further help herself. And I pray for S, because he must be suffering terribly, too.

Ten Things on My Mind

1. I wish I hadn't suggested a baby shower for S. Just being honest.
2. Looking forward to this three day weekend, so I can actually work out.
3. I've been craving chocolate lately. Weird.
4. 4:30 meetings are evil.
5. I really miss my nephews.
6. This bizarro John Kerry/James Taylor "You've got a friend" things is too weird.
7. I need to get a new suit.
8. I'm over the NFL, sadly, after last Sunday's sad loss.
9. Has it been almost a month since Christmas vacation? Where does the time go?
10. Pomegranate green tea is an afternoon tradition now.

Sooo...

It's been a month.

The holidays rushed by...the Bahamas and Michigan and then back to DC, lots of shopping for mattresses and disastrous bookshelves, NYE and a trip to Louisiana. And back again, and unprepared for Cowboys devastating losses and everything else that 2015 may or may not bring.

And the world is responding, with violent attacks in Paris and a metro smoke incident resulting in one death. The world is troubling. And awful cold.

Enroute to and from Lafayette, I read The Looming Tower. Captivating read, though the book is nearly a decade old. You forget how frightening and on edge the world was. Watching the Charlie Hedbo and Jewish grocery store attacks, you remember. Like it was yesterday.

So I will write more. I promise. But what a start to 2015, huh?

One Week...

We played that BNL song enroute to work tonight. Somehow I have a feeling I'll be checking email even after leaving for Christmas.

It's been a year. Several trips, including Oslo. Several frustrations at work. Luckily, the family is healthy and we have another nephew. We have not had to suffer much.

It's two weeks and one day to my 39th Christmas. And you know, I'm not even feeling that spirit this year. We haven't decorated at home, we haven't even gone to the mall to go shopping. What's been done is all online. We haven't even bought a tree.

Some of it is preaching that kindness and that coolness that I feed myself. Some of it is just being tired and need to give myself a true break from trying to do it all. It's something only women try to do: it all. And there's always an element of second guessing.

So one week. And there's a lot ahead this week, something almost every day. So here's to making it a good week. 

Thanksgiving, Sick, Etc.

Been a long week. I keep saying "I survived Thanksgiving." I survived the trip, the Turkey Trot, the photos, the Melatonin, and Interstellar. I hate to be crude about it. But after coming home, sick and facing insomnia, well, I was glad to be home. It was too much.

I need to strive to care for myself better. Nurse myself, treat myself gingerly, take care now. I think it's easy to put yourself on the back burner. Very easy, when you strive to care for others. And I think it's wearing my body down. I did get to run this morning and yesterday, and though I was exhausted from the Tylenol PM, at least I did it. And it felt good getting that done before 8am.

This weekend? Watch football, relax, sleep. See friends. Take care. Treat myself kindly, and strive to treat others kindly, too.

J&J

Everyone now and then, out of nowhere, I get lost in the J&J story. Lately, it's been the rape aftermath, because Days apparently can't stop beating that story. Gosh, I can't believe this really started 25 years ago. I don't know how I even got so into them, maybe it was watching a bit over Christmas and breaks, and then I really got sucked into the COD. It was June 1990, really, but something must have sparked that interest. Being 14 at the time, I was at that age, too. The perfect storm. And watching those scenes, so readily available on YouTube, damn. I forget and then remember all over again how wrapped up I was in that story, how wonderful the acting was, how captivating and frustrating and angst-filled it all was.

Anyway, I am sure my interest will recede, but I know when other stressful things are on my mind, I get lost in those Days. It's a good escape, albeit only a temporary one.

Four Things

Four names that people call me other than my real name:

1. LisaBeee
2. Sweetie

Four jobs I’ve had:

1. Aco Hardware
2. Arbor Drugs
3. The Children's Place
4. Giffels

Four movies you’ve watched more than once:

1. It's a Wonderful Life
2. With Honors
3. Pretty Women
4. Dirty Dancing

Four books I’d recommend:

1. A History of the American People
2. Rules of Civility
3. A Good Man is Hard to Find and other Short Stories
4. James Madison by Lynne Cheney
   

Four places I’ve lived

1. Detroit
2. Indiana
3. Washington, DC
4. Arlington, VA

Four Places you have visited:

1. Dublin
2. Oslo
3. Uganda
4. Finland

Four places I’d rather be right now:

1. The Bahamas
2. at my parents' house
3. with my nephews
4. Paris

Four things I don’t eat:

1. Olives
2. canned tuna fish
3. kiska
4. sweet breads

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Lasagna
2. Pizza
3. Potato Chips
4. Sushi

Four TV shows I watch:

1. Nashville
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. The Big Bang Theory
4. Mad Men

Four things I’m looking forward to this year:

1. Bahamas
2. Thanksgiving
3. Christmas
4. Visiting Cincinnati