More Things I Think...

1. I am excited for the new Blue Apron order. Lamb meatballs, seared chicken, cod. Yum.
2. It's Holy Thursday.  I remember always going to the evening service at St. V's so many years ago with mom, seeing the altar servers and the darkness, the incense, the procession. Such a profound moment during this week. It has been at least what, twenty years? Wow.
3. Sunshine and 70s today. Yes. Spring is slowly blooming.
4. I finished A Peace to End All Peace last night. I will begin Dead Wake by Erik Larson next. I am still itching to find something else on the Ottoman empire or Turkey or maybe Israel...not sure what.
5. The Americans last night...wow. Paige learning who her parents really are was a shock, to say the least. What marvelous acting. It's refreshing not to be spoiled, and I think that also contributes to the quality of the show. Like Mad Men, you have no idea what will come next. We're entering 1983 right now in the show--based on when Tootsie premiered, though Christmas hasn't been mentioned--and with three episodes remaining this season, anything can happen. Amazing that I am old enough to remember that time, too. I was the exact age of Joey, first grade.
6. Four weeks to the big office move. I am excited for the new gym and the fact that there may be actual temperature control and outdoor space. The rest, we shall see. Like the windows...
7. Yoga last night. It was so crowded. I have such a love-hate relationship with yoga. I want to like it and become more flexible, and if I'm in Warrior 2 or even 3 I feel stronger. But most of the time, I'm too self-conscious, thinking of too many other things, and so distracted by the others who can do headstands. That is not what yoga is all about.
8. Though I am excited we bought the elliptical. Worthwhile purchase.
9. Ten years ago Pope John Paul II passed away.
10. This story, about the mom who murdered her children and stowed them in the freezer, sickens me. A death penalty is too good for her.

Ten Things I Think

1. All of this ridiculous controversy over the Indiana RFRA makes me very concerned that religious liberties are going to become even more acceptable to discriminate against. The sweeping generalizations that the left has made about it, the painting of Republicans and religious conservatives as intolerant bigots, and the media bias toward this is beyond the pale.

2. So much good music lately, including Courtney Barnett, Lord Huron, Death Cab, Laura Marling...I'm feeling more optimistic that this year's music will be as good as two years ago.

3. It's April and it snowed in Michigan yesterday. I really hope next week is warm in the Midwest.

4. Why oh why is Monica Lewinsky in the headlines? But if it reminds people of how shamefully the Clintons treated her, all the better.

5. Sick of getting Ted Cruz campaign calls. When will Scott Walker enter?

6. One month about done, and 11 more left in my 30s. I can't...

7. Very concerned about good health lately. Just worried.

8. I'm looking forward to trying Blue Apron again tomorrow night and this weekend. I need to cook more and branch out. Of the first group, turkey chilli was my favorite. I loved the addition of avocado.

9. It's been nice to have some girl time this past Saturday and with Sara's shower. I cannot believe they have their baby already. Funny saying already, after so many years of waiting, though.

10. I'm almost done with "A Peace to End All Peace." Shameful at how Great Britain and France carved up the Middle East and how the United States abdicated all leadership then. It's been very educational reading these books on Islam and the WWI/post-WWI era and how that laid the foundation for so many years of tragedy in that region.

And I need to write more. I know.

Taking it for Granted

At 39, I see and feel myself growing a little bit older. A few more fine lines on my hands and face, a touch less energy. A few more tummy issues. A recognition that my parents are about to become grandparents of four. Fewer baby showers, fewer wedding showers. No desire to hit Bourbon Street on trips to New Orleans.

I saw this piece this morning about a woman who labored to complete a 10K. And part of me wanted to scoff at her overeach--she is out of shape and probably had no business trying to complete that distance. But upon further reflection, and realizing how she had lost nearly 200 pounds, I realize how far she had come. And the compassion of the officer who assisted her in the journey was stark and striking. How far she had come, and it didn't matter how long it had taken to arrive. True, she was at a 20 minute pace clip. But she had made it.

Running was something that came to me later in life, and I don't want to ever take it for granted. Maybe my days of 8 minute miles are past me, but I still could run a 10K in far less than an hour on a whim. Most days, anyway. And maybe my difficult 10K is akin to my ability/desire to try yoga headstands or crow or other poses that are simply impossible for me.

A little more compassion would serve us to do good and to be well. At 39, maybe I can recognize some limitations, but that should not let it stop me. It's the journey, right?

Thirty Nine

Has it been a month?

I don't know where this year has gone...well, yes I do. I've been in Louisiana, California, Arkansas (x2), Chicago, and Florida. And the travel will continue quite a bit going forward.

I'm not feeling 100%, either. I'm tired. Dealing with a cold/bronchitis. Dealing with some digestion issues; my body doesn't like vegetables right now. And I'm depressed by the ridiculous, unending cold weather, the imminent March snowfall, and the darkness and gloominess. I can't recall a three week stretch in DC as bad as this one. Light will shine next week, maybe.

But I'm at 39, and to borrow Kathy's phrase, celebrating what's sure to be the first of many 39th birthdays. I hope so, at least. You don't take it for granted. I feel a little slower, uneasier, lethargic. I feel my age for really and truly the first time. I don't feel "young." And I wonder if I ever do have a baby, how I will cope. My energy is truly lower.

Though schedule has something to do with that. I'd adjust. And that's what I truly want for this year. The beginning of my 40th year. Wow, can you believe that?

I also hope to write more often, because I miss it and it's too easy to move along on busy days like I've had. But it's something I've been doing, journaling, mostly on for 30  years.

So cheers to 39, and cheers to 40. And I hope this year brings....joy.

Bobbi Christina

Bobbi Christina Brown, Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown's daughter, shares her birthday with me (though, ahem, 17 years later). I've been sadly following the story of her drowning. It hasn't escaped me that today is her father's birthday, and next week is the anniversary of her mother's death.

I remember when she was born, and the tragedy of her life rivals probably Michael Jackson's kids as bizarrely unconventional, with erratic family support and constant public scrutiny. But man. Why does it have to end like that? She must have been so depressed and screwed up and just lost to take drugs or do whatever she did before very likely dying in the same manner that her mother did.

Some have compared this to the situation with Anna Nicole Smith. And anytime someone so young dies, well, it's just awful. I am not sure I'd use the word tragic, but there's a loss of potential. A loss of an opportunity to truly transcend the sadness and make something of her life.

Anyway, again, maybe it's because of the shared birthday. But at 21 going on nothing...sadness all around.

Old Friends

M sent another email indicating that she's in bad shape, and she doesn't know how much longer she can live like that. I don't know what to say or how to say it. I mean, there's a breath I hold every time I've received a middle-of-the-night email from her. It sounds like her pain is acute and her suffering endless. But I also think, she's six months older than me! She should be living her life and fighting.

I think she's been deprived of a good ten plus years of life. Just awful. I think she had some pain issues a decade ago, and maybe this is all resulting from some dental work she had done in the past. It's weird and fluky and it could happen to anyone.

So I pray that she won't do anything to further help herself. And I pray for S, because he must be suffering terribly, too.

Ten Things on My Mind

1. I wish I hadn't suggested a baby shower for S. Just being honest.
2. Looking forward to this three day weekend, so I can actually work out.
3. I've been craving chocolate lately. Weird.
4. 4:30 meetings are evil.
5. I really miss my nephews.
6. This bizarro John Kerry/James Taylor "You've got a friend" things is too weird.
7. I need to get a new suit.
8. I'm over the NFL, sadly, after last Sunday's sad loss.
9. Has it been almost a month since Christmas vacation? Where does the time go?
10. Pomegranate green tea is an afternoon tradition now.

Sooo...

It's been a month.

The holidays rushed by...the Bahamas and Michigan and then back to DC, lots of shopping for mattresses and disastrous bookshelves, NYE and a trip to Louisiana. And back again, and unprepared for Cowboys devastating losses and everything else that 2015 may or may not bring.

And the world is responding, with violent attacks in Paris and a metro smoke incident resulting in one death. The world is troubling. And awful cold.

Enroute to and from Lafayette, I read The Looming Tower. Captivating read, though the book is nearly a decade old. You forget how frightening and on edge the world was. Watching the Charlie Hedbo and Jewish grocery store attacks, you remember. Like it was yesterday.

So I will write more. I promise. But what a start to 2015, huh?

One Week...

We played that BNL song enroute to work tonight. Somehow I have a feeling I'll be checking email even after leaving for Christmas.

It's been a year. Several trips, including Oslo. Several frustrations at work. Luckily, the family is healthy and we have another nephew. We have not had to suffer much.

It's two weeks and one day to my 39th Christmas. And you know, I'm not even feeling that spirit this year. We haven't decorated at home, we haven't even gone to the mall to go shopping. What's been done is all online. We haven't even bought a tree.

Some of it is preaching that kindness and that coolness that I feed myself. Some of it is just being tired and need to give myself a true break from trying to do it all. It's something only women try to do: it all. And there's always an element of second guessing.

So one week. And there's a lot ahead this week, something almost every day. So here's to making it a good week. 

Thanksgiving, Sick, Etc.

Been a long week. I keep saying "I survived Thanksgiving." I survived the trip, the Turkey Trot, the photos, the Melatonin, and Interstellar. I hate to be crude about it. But after coming home, sick and facing insomnia, well, I was glad to be home. It was too much.

I need to strive to care for myself better. Nurse myself, treat myself gingerly, take care now. I think it's easy to put yourself on the back burner. Very easy, when you strive to care for others. And I think it's wearing my body down. I did get to run this morning and yesterday, and though I was exhausted from the Tylenol PM, at least I did it. And it felt good getting that done before 8am.

This weekend? Watch football, relax, sleep. See friends. Take care. Treat myself kindly, and strive to treat others kindly, too.