So I officially am facebook obsessed. Of course that was what was going to happen. It's been odd/bizarre/surreal to reconnect with the grade school crew. I was flipping through a couple of old diaries yesterday....1987 was over twenty years ago. I was so sad, so lonely at times. So jealous and I still remember comments made to me, who was cruel and who was kind. All of those games kids play where one minute they are mean and the next manipulating a vulernable you to be their friend. How you are figuring out hormones and still mourning a good friend of yours who has moved on. I remember how much I craved a friendship then, how I could not wait to high school to escape the face that I never had a crowd of friends.
Part of reconnecting means coming to terms with the past. It's not just about showmanship, is it? It's about feeling comfortable with who you are now, forgiving of the way they treated you, lowering your expectations, and also letting go. Not just of that sense of curiousity as to wondering what they are like now and what they have been up to for the past two decades. But letting go of that part of you that still feels like she's eleven and wants to fit in, have the most friends, look the most stylish, have the most and best comments on her yearbook page. Also that yearning to be remembered. Of course, you want to make a difference. You want people to have wondered about you. But didn't want to be forgotten. That's the crux of it: it's not the comment of oh, you've met her, of course, you would not remember her. It's of course, how could I forget. Of course.
At least I can lurk, be kind, be a stronger woman then I was at eleven or twelve. But a little part of me then is still here now.
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