Weekend at Home and Tai Chi

For the first time since February, we'll both be home this weekend. Tomorrow S&T are moving to the Hill. And hopefully tonight we'll go out to dinner. Oh, and our floors are FINALLY nearing completion. I get my kitchen back after four long months!!

Tai Chi guy, by the way, is doing some weird (to anyone else) movement across the street. H e's trying to approach a couple who scurry away.  Now his arms are extended like he is trying to talk to the birds.  The birds would rather eat some spilled cheesy mixture. He is being watched by a baby who stares after him and he is hurried away.  His arms keep flapping as he knocks a paper cup against his head. Now he wanders across te street, outside my view, though he appears to be dancing across from his own reflection. Ahh, Fridays.

Grandpa

Today I am remembering Grandpa on what would have been his 98th birthday. Wow, 98. Grandma would have turned 100 this year. His legacies of family and faith and film are the three things that will always be with me. Love most of all. One of the greatest gifts we ever received were copies of his letters to Grandma in the early 1940s. How times have changed, and how they haven't.  Reading of the movies they attended, the weekend excursions, work, family, visits to Evansville, furnishing their new home, clothing--so much has changed and so much is eternal.

Three additional things I will remember...The house on Anna and his impeccably maintained yard.  Him always being so well dressed. And his smile.

Love you both.

Obamacare

Today, the Supreme Court held oral arguments in the Obamacare suit regarding the individual mandate. Jeff Toobin thinks it will be struck down. A "train wreck" indeed. We shall see in late June.

Mad Men is Back!

I caught up to Mad Men just in time to watch last night's season premiere. As always Alan Sepinwall provides the best write-up.  My favorite moments? The Roger/Harry exchange about paying Harry off to change offices, anything with Peggy, the irreverancy of Mr. Cooper, seeing Sally again, seeing glimmers of the civil rights movement affect the main characters, Joan finding out how much the office missed her and Lane's hilarious imitation of Megan's song, Pete and Peggy awkwardly trying to avoid the baby, Roger calling out to the baby, the revelation of just how honest Don has been with Megan. Here's a great interview with Matthew Weiner.

Just love this show.

Hey Jealousy

Jealousy is something that I am struggling mighty with right now.  I don't think it is fair that some people have working at home jobs and have thus a far reduced workload than I have.  I don't think it is fair that some people don't have crap all of the time to deal with at home.  And I don't think it is fair that some people get to have their beautiful babies and families and I have to watch all of it on the sidelines, never being able to scream "Of course I want that!"  All of this jealousy only breeds resentment. And it makes me a bitter, unhappy, grouchy person more times than not. And it makes me so stressed, all of the time, and worried that I won't ever attain that.

I don't know what the solution to it is. I used to think I'd be happy to be married, and that is all well. But I think I've always been someone a step behind socially, and I always fear that the "in crowd' just gets these things so much easier than I do.  I have to work so damn hard, all of the time. I work so hard at the office, at home, to make my husband happy. Nothing is easy, and that breeds unlimited resentment.  And I know that I am lucky, that so much worse stuff could be happening to me. But yet...I struggle. I am jealous, and I am not proud by that. I need to be humbled, I need to be at peace. But not now.

Priorities

Sometimes I don't feel like I am a priority to anyone. Whether it's the house, my marriage or prospects of having children, my marital status, work, my family...anything. I wish someone in life would put me first. Someone would recognize that my needs are just as important as their own, and work with me to get my needs met. I think I tend to put myself second sometimes because I am so desperate to be liked and accepted and I don't want to offend anyone. I am not very good about standing up for myself. I never was. When I was a kid, I let myself be teased and bullied because at least someone was paying attention to me, wrongly, and cruelly, but it was better than being left alone. It was better to date someone for a long time than to be single. It was better to have a roommate and friend than to stand up for my relationship. It was better to be agreeable so I wouldn't offend anyone. It is better to defer having a child even though my own biological clock is ticking and "there's still time." It is better to have someone's work and needs to be met than my own.

And I get increasingly sick of it. I have to put up with everyone else's shit. I am stuck in a job that will never allow me to have any recognition or thanks for good work. I won't be able to welcome the senator or guest speaker or have someone else acknowledge that I put it all together. I have to keep silent in meetings to allow other louder extroverts the chance to hear their own voices. I have to be a victim to someone else's procrastination. Or I have to stay silent when I am deferred.

I am so tired of it. I am so sick of placing second or third or not even at all. I want someone to tell me "It is ok to be selfish. And no, you aren't selfish. You deserve to have these needs met." I am tired of being behind the scenes. I want to have someone say, "She needs me and needs this. I will drop it for her." It is about time to put me first.

Generation Gap

A 35 year old retakes the SAT and finds it excruciating. Yeah, I would, too. Especially those math questions. I guess that is why you take it at 17 and not 35 or 36.

And speaking of getting old...Hines Ward retired. He is four days younger than me. Sadface.

This Weekend

1. Need to start organizing kitchen. The long nightmare is nearing over...
2. Drive the husband to the airport.
3. See Liz, Mary, and Ann.
4. Grocery shop and wine shop.
5. Hair cut.
6. Target.
7. Restock the wine.
8. Get healthy groceries!
9. Start Mad Men Season 4. I only have a week before Season 5 starts, and I am confident I will get there!
10. Work out.

And I've left off gardening, getting new dining room chairs, a drastic spring cleaning, and decorating. So much to do and so few hours to do it all in. And did I mention the 4am wakeup call tomorrow?

Detroit Needs Help

Sorry, Dave Bing. Detroit needs a bailout. I wasn't in favor of the auto industry bailout, but perhaps it helped. Detroit is going to drown without assistance.

According to one columnist:

The inflexible nature of the city's situation should, by now, be obvious. Detroit spends way more than it takes in, and owes more -- in debts and pensions -- than it can hope to raise in my lifetime. And I expect to live for quite a while.

This is a sad saga of unmanaged decline that must be ended before the city's next chapter can begin.

As Detroit has hemorrhaged people and, with them, tax base, its leaders have failed to adjust the size and breadth of city government to match. They borrowed to pay off borrowing, and mortgaged the city's future several times over; the debt-to-net assets ratio is a mind-blowing 33:1. And they made promises to employees that have become unsustainable; some 22,000 municipal retirees draw checks and have health care through a city with only 10,000 current employees.

Detroit has the highest income and property taxes in the state, but it can't keep buses running on time, maintain public safety or even keep the lights on. The city is as upside down as any enterprise could be...

Snyder's plan is the first, to date, that would address the horrible fiscal imbalances and mismanagement that sustain those realities. It's the debut outline of a comprehensive way for the city to live within its means, and rededicate itself to its prime function: the delivery of services to its residents.

  It's not sustainable, Detroit. You need help, and it's evident you cannot help yourself.

Like North Korea

This picture reminds me of another place where there is no light.

The picture was taken from the bridge over the Dequindre Cut, looking west toward downtown along Lafayette Boulevard It's on my way home from downtown. You can see the RenCen at left, and Blue Cross headquarters in the center.

But you can't see much else because the lights are out all the way up and down Lafayette. And they have been since at least Halloween, when I remember wondering how kids in that area (Lafayette Park is just off to the right) would navigate trick or treating.

A friend who lives in the shadowy apartment building you can see silhouetted at left center says the lights have been out a year.

 Mitch Albom tries to find hope, but sometimes, a picture speaks a thousand words.