Priorities

Sometimes I don't feel like I am a priority to anyone. Whether it's the house, my marriage or prospects of having children, my marital status, work, my family...anything. I wish someone in life would put me first. Someone would recognize that my needs are just as important as their own, and work with me to get my needs met. I think I tend to put myself second sometimes because I am so desperate to be liked and accepted and I don't want to offend anyone. I am not very good about standing up for myself. I never was. When I was a kid, I let myself be teased and bullied because at least someone was paying attention to me, wrongly, and cruelly, but it was better than being left alone. It was better to date someone for a long time than to be single. It was better to have a roommate and friend than to stand up for my relationship. It was better to be agreeable so I wouldn't offend anyone. It is better to defer having a child even though my own biological clock is ticking and "there's still time." It is better to have someone's work and needs to be met than my own.

And I get increasingly sick of it. I have to put up with everyone else's shit. I am stuck in a job that will never allow me to have any recognition or thanks for good work. I won't be able to welcome the senator or guest speaker or have someone else acknowledge that I put it all together. I have to keep silent in meetings to allow other louder extroverts the chance to hear their own voices. I have to be a victim to someone else's procrastination. Or I have to stay silent when I am deferred.

I am so tired of it. I am so sick of placing second or third or not even at all. I want someone to tell me "It is ok to be selfish. And no, you aren't selfish. You deserve to have these needs met." I am tired of being behind the scenes. I want to have someone say, "She needs me and needs this. I will drop it for her." It is about time to put me first.