Just Checking In...

I'm still here. I keep thinking I want to revive this "diary" because I still want to write, and in one form of another (not always continuously) I've maintained a diary for thirty years.

But what do I write?? Reflections on being 40 and childless? Cultivating a family of neighbors and friends? Being conservative in an age of Trump? Feeling a little lethargic in a job I've been in for far too long? Seeing family members aging and moving on, nephews growing older? Traveling to Cartagena and the Caribbean and other locales every year? Music and books that keep me occupied? Worries and concerns that leave me sleepless when life really is not so bad? Ideas for books I may or not may not write?

Or just a pause, a thought, a few ramblings to check in on  a day to day basis?

So I check in today. And then we'll decide later.

May 22, 1994: Advice to those Graduating from High School, Twenty Years Later

I don't remember very much about the morning of my high school graduation. I am sure I journaled it. I remember it was sunny, and I remember what I was wearing. I remember my speech and Sister J and I remember saying hello and goodbye to some of the girls after. And that was it.

I think we place so much primacy on this date at 18 because life is a little predictable before that. I mean, anything can happen. But you grow up and go to school and then turn 18 and then you can make your own decisions, carve your own path. Before that, freedom of choice is a bit limited.

I think about all of the milestones I've hit in the last two decades, with children being the one I've missed. But I've graduated from college, and then grad school. I moved to DC. I got married. I bought a house. I have traveled to Europe and Africa. I traveled to California and Texas and New York and many states in between. I got a job, and have had this one for nearly 15 years. I have three beautiful nephews on my side and two nephews (soon to be three) and a nice on the other side. I've made friends, lost some, experienced tragedy and 9/11 and lost family members, like my grandfather. But life truly began for me after May 22.

That doesn't mean that life is always smooth sailing after graduation. It isn't. No, it surely is not. Friends are always difficult, relationships are fraught with good times or bad.  You struggle with jealousy and envy and resentment and the comparison trap is fragile. You realize that the world competes heartier than it does in your high school or even your college. You realize that there is always someone more brilliant and brighter and more striking than you. Your realize you can be insulted in the most profound way, in that your essence and spark are questioned. And you doubt yourself all over again, so that teenage insecurity is laughable. You question your life goals and second guess your decisions, and you wonder "what if" beginning with the first grown up choice you make regarding college. You cry tears of betrayal and loss and frustration and fear and you experience all of those same high school emotions, magnified. You question your faith and the principles you thought grounded you.

You also experience wonder, astonishment, and happiness unlike anything else you have ever experienced. You marvel that you can build a life for yourself, you make more wonderful friends than you could have ever dreamed, and of course you may fall in love, if you are lucky. You  experience the joy of new family members, the beauty of places you have only dreamed of yourself. You open yourself up to new  and ridiculous and crazy and remarkable things, and you know that your life is unwritten. And you realize you have more resiliency, more strength, more fortitude, more grace, and more perseverance than you ever thought possible.

It makes me wonder where the next twenty years will lead. I think the pace of change slows, but if I am lucky enough to get another two decades with good health and family, I will continue to appreciate things. I mean, I hope I will still have wonderful opportunities and pleasures and adventures.

I knew that May 22, 1994 was only just the beginning. But now, as I start to move into the middle ages of my life, I truly know how much of a beginning that was. So if you are still counting down those days to high school graduation, well, it will come quickly. Life goes by too quickly. So savor every day.

Everyone is Starting Something New

Loved this Onion piece:

“Our results indicate that those around you are all turning a new leaf, moving forward to face a fresh challenge, and embarking on periods of immense personal and professional growth, while you on the other hand are in a phase of total stagnation, if not regression,” said head researcher Dr. James Messemer, adding that the data also suggests that everyone sees the clear contrast between those who are really blossoming by moving on to meet a new opportunity and you, an individual perceived as being stuck in a rut, left behind, or simply someone who has already reached their potential. “Our study proves that, unlike yourself, all of your peers are enriching themselves by experiencing the triumphs and failures associated with any new personal journey, a journey that will ultimately be looked back upon as the most fulfilling part of these individuals’ lives. Meanwhile, you remain trapped in a state of perpetual—well, our researchers would have to call it ennui, as there is really no other word for it.”

I certainly feel that is true, sometimes. Like is this what my life will be like every day from now on? Work, go home, maybe go running or to yoga, maybe a reception where I grow older and everyone else is the same age? I guess it is some kind of "ennui."

I hope my chances of changing this are more than 7%, though....

Ten for Tuesday

1. Pizza for lunch. Vapiano's for dinner. Yes, I do love my carbs.
2. I was wavering on the new Iron & Wine, but I like a few of the songs on there. So maybe I'll get that tonight.
3. I DO NOT want any snow. I liked being able to run this morning, outside. I am too lazy to do much more.
4. This California trip is going to be so long. At least I can celebrate President Reagan's birthday a week early there.
5. We've been majorly into the Office lately. Season three done, season four to come.
6. So much to pack.
7. Not sure about watching the State of the Union tonight. I probably will get sucked in.
8. Some friends have been disappointing lately.
9. Already one month since Christmas.
10. And less than six weeks til I'm 35. How the hell did that happen.

Value of Life

From Ross Douthat.

This is the paradox of America's unborn. No life is so desperately sought after, so hungrily desired, so carefully nurtured. And yet no life is so legally unprotected, and so frequently destroyed.

Working for a Living

The other day, I received one of those Social Security statements in the mail, in preparation for the upcoming birthday. It struck me I've been working, and thus paying, for Social Security since 1992. This is my 19th year of working. I've officially been working more than half of my lifetime, and have been for a couple of years. And at 33 years and 10 months, I have, what, four more decades to go, give or take? What a depressing thought!!!!!

I don't know when I transitioned over here to making this as a career, not a job. It happens overnight, doesn't it, the same way you go from 23 to 34 and you still see yourself as 17, at least on some days. It's hard to tell someone who is at that stage what things will be like, how you wind up places you don't ever think you'd be in, or remain in places long after things have passed. I think about C, who left DC 18 months ago, and maybe is returning, after a vocation didn't click. And maybe she'll go back, who knows? She wouldn't be the first to come and go and come back again. And maybe it works out differently the second time around.

A job is a paycheck; work is a way of life. In between is what matters.