Integrity

Peggy Noonan had this to say about integrity and presidential candidates:

In a president, character is everything. A president doesn't have to be brilliant; Harry Truman wasn't brilliant, and he helped save Western Europe from Stalin. He doesn't have to be clever; you can hire clever. White Houses are always full of quick-witted people with ready advice on how to flip a senator or implement a strategy. You can hire pragmatic, and you can buy and bring in policy wonks.

But you can't buy courage and decency, you can't rent a strong moral sense. A president must bring those things with him. If he does, they will give meaning and animation to the great practical requirement of the presidency: He must know why he's there and what he wants to do. He has to have thought it through. He needs to have, in that much maligned word, but a good one nontheless, a vision of the future he wishes to create. This is a function of thinking, of the mind, the brain.

The most recent allegations against Donald Trump--unwanted sexual advances, groping, kissing, etc.--is another piece of evidence in the case against Donald Trump's presidency. It's a testament to that John Wooden quote, “The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.” Though I am not sure if Trump cared if anyone was watching. He does and says what he wants, and then denies and disavows anyone who claims otherwise.

Hillary Clinton isn't much better. She's surrounded herself with vile anti-Catholic advisors who denigrate people of faith who don't fit into their nicely captured vision of what constitutes decency:

Pointing to a magazine article noting that conservative media titan Rupert Murdoch was raising his children as Catholics, Halpin wrote, "Many of the most powerful elements of the conservative movement are all Catholic (many converts) ...they must be attracted to the systematic thought and [severely] backwards gender relations."

Palmieri wrote back, "I imagine they think it is the most socially acceptable politically conservative religion. Their rich friends wouldn't understand if they became evangelicals."

These advisors also deny, distract, and ignore their words in the public square. And the media lets them get away with it. And these advisors are truly Hillary's voice, coaching her through ever single public utterance she makes, even going so far as to screen and receive questions in advance to script her out fully. I don't think for one minute she'd be horrified by these sentiments.

These are the times that try men's souls, they say. All of these truisms about politics--lesser of two evils, damned if you do, etc. seem even more true this year.

I don't know how we'll emerge from this. Maybe we'll remember that this exceptional country we are proud to call home is still our last, best hope, and perhaps we'll resume the fight to steer us away from a thousand days or years or darkness. Or maybe we'll sink into the quagmire and allow this pervasive bitterness to subsume us. Maybe we'll forgive, and we'll reconcile, and the civil war the right is fighting we'll end in some kind of new and better union. It'll be interesting to see where we go in a year.

But for many, all integrity has been lost this year. And I understand all of those arguments about the rural/urban divide, the haves and have-nots. I understand that many are angry and feel ignored. But I don't understand how our leaders aren't better, aren't higher, aren't more concerned about being decent and having that moral sense. You don't need to be "decent" to be a good president. You do need to have integrity, though, to be a leader that others admire and want to follow. We do not have that today with Trump and Clinton.

Last Night's Veep Debate

Tuesday night's Vice Presidential debate between Tim Kaine and Mike Pence provided the starkest contrasts between what should have been and what truly is. Re: Kaine, I'm not a fan, I would not vote for him, and I think his abortion position is terribly wrong. But at least he is not corrupt. He's not a liar. He's not been indoctrinated in the Clinton machine for decades and he doesn't control a crony-heavy personal foundation that will siphon off a cut of whatever blood money is thrown its way. He's a mainstream liberal.

And Pence...if he hadn't needed to spend much of the debate time fending off, ignoring, pivoting, and circumventing from various cutting comments about Trump, what a debate it could have been! He was thoughtful, smart, humble, and exuded a maturity that hasn't been seen by any other candidate running. A Ryan/Pence or Cotton/Pence or Sasse/Pence ticket...I mean, think about what could have been. A sober discussion of the issues, someone the base could respond to, true adult behavior as opposed to vindictive asides and ego-boosting, trash-talking tirades. You know, what we used to call ideas based debate.

There's so much that runs through my mind when I think what this country has lost in this election. It started the day, really, when Justice Scalia died, when there was still a chance that the republic could be kept. And yeah, I'm aware that the 1800 election was fought by surrogates for candidates, who for that time, intensely disliked each other. I know our founders had family feuds, that rumor mongering and adultery gossip and that no less than Grover Cleveland faced his share of scandal. But we've never had an election where we've so many sidebars from a vindictive Miss Universe, Trump University, email scandals, name calling, feuds against Megyn Kelly and other journalists, twitter rants at all hours of the day, real and imagined health scares, allegations of complicity in a presidential assassinations...if only Mike Pence could really have told us what he thought. But able public servant, who has already chosen which bed he would lie in, did what he had to do.

In some ways, the United States of America has never been more prosperous. Luxuries that people suffering through Hurricane Matthew in Haiti are enduring--smartphones, luxury headphones, smart televisions, $5 lattes, designer handbags, etc--these are all items that everyone seems to access. And yes, that is a classist observation. But in a generation, Americans are able to transcend the limitations they've endured because we are a society where anyone--including the president of the United States--can rise up. To look at the media, there's no way out other than opiod hell, minimum wage jobs, and racial animosity by a hostile white upperclass that is dedicated to keeping the man down. And that is purely ridiculous. America was, is, and always will be great. Americans, they are the ones who fall short of accepting the gift of the last, best hope of earth.

I have gone through my times of utter depression this election years. This is not the idea of America that our founding generation bestowed on us. Certainly Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump aren't the ideal. But only America, with its constitution and separation of powers and faith in the power of the people could curb whatever dangerous tendencies that other hold.

I would have been ecstatic had the race this year been Pence vs. Kaine. I don't intend to settle, but what that means, I am not quite there yet.

This Year's Election

Years from now, when the presidential election of 2016 is only an entry in history books, we may wonder how we got here. How we went from a serious discourse about issues, good faith differences, men and women of principles although imperfect, to, well, the cluster#$@# we have now.

I was cringing and silently screaming during the first debate on Monday, through mentions of skirting paying taxes, to hotels and Rosie O'Donnell and beauty pageants and false boasts. It's straight out of an episode of Veep, though even Veep seemed more the serious drama by comparison.

I have been conflicted, and I see the abdication of so many men and women of principle as a great disappointment. Maybe it is a lesser of two evils, or maybe it's #NeverHillary. But with any endorsement, where do you draw the line between policy and character?

So many, many months ago Donald Trump suggested, "I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters." He floated a scenario where the GOP runner-up's father was complicit in a presidential assassination. Said runner-up then promptly endorsed him. He's made crude and flamboyant comments about both women and the disabled. He has displayed virtually no humility when bragging about his great wealth, great success, great intellect, etc. He mocks those who he deems vulnerable.

There's the chatter about 300 million people and we ended up with THESE TWO. I could say much about Hillary--she lies, obfuscates, misleads, excuses, explains, condescends, and displays no respect to the ideas that make America great. No individual can do this. The nature of man, of Americans, and the respect we have for the principles embedded in our constitution do that.

So I endorse: neither. I cannot support nor will vote for neither. I cannot place a premium over policy above character, and neither check both boxes. Until 2020, a republic then, if we can keep it.

Greatness

I was walking to my office this morning, another beautiful (though hot) September day here in Washington. It struck me at how great this city is.

I first arrived here nearly twenty years ago for a semester, and I never left. I've been privileged to work here, go to school here, to meet my husband a circle of friends here, and to buy a home here. I've interacted with all circles of life--from neighbors to students to lawyers and judges and other public officials. I've had the freedom to change jobs, and I've carved out my own small niche.

That's not to say everything is perfect. I've had my car broken into. I've had neighbor conflicts. I've had friendship transition and change. I've had times that work has not been professionally fulfilling.

But at no time have I viewed Washington as being an inhibitor. It's always a gateway, an opening.

The campaign rhetoric here has been horrendous. If you filter what you hear through the media, white people are all racists. Women all are discriminated against. People of faith hate gay people. Inequality drives everything we do, and this country has suffered. Some savior needs to emerge to liberate us from our chains that hold us back.

Yet that has hardly been my experience. Yes, this stuff happens. Yes, absolutely, injustice occurs and some people have not been handed the same deck as other peers. Sometimes dumb luck intervenes.

But you can walk out of the door of a Starbucks or a Peet's, you can carry your latte, you can meander toward the office and cut through a park, and life is grand. All people, all backgrounds, all races and creeds, all of us are criss-crossing through town. No one is overtly held back. No one is impeded. No one needs to rescue.  No one needs to make it great.

15 Years

September 11 always moves me. Time stands still, and those voices and memories of yesterday rush back. The crowds in the streets of DC, the sound of the television, the sirens, the movement of cars in every direction but home. The radio with the halting voice, the confusion and the desperation.

But those of who were here in the Northeast remember the weather. We still call it September 11 weather, and today we have it on September 12. Crisp, sun, blue skies, beaming sun. A gentle breeze that hints that Autumn is coming. A nice day. A beautiful day.

I remember that weather going in on the Metro, very resolutely passed Arlington Cemetery, and listening to Live and knowing it was a regular Tuesday and summer was ending but DC just blooms in the Autumn. Spring is unpredictable and full of pollen. September is what we have been waiting for.

So on days like today, I recall that other September 11. The sun beam bright, the sky so blue. The greens so stark with life against a backdrop of an ordinary day.

Music of 40

One of my favorite bands/artists is Will Sheff of Okkervil River. The band (well, Sheff's) latest album is released tomorrow, and it's been pre-ordered for a while. I'm finally seeing them at the 9:30 Club on September 19. The album has been streaming on NPR Music for a week, though the nuance of the lyrics escapes me when I have it playing in the background at the office. I look forward to listening to the lyrics, the intonation of his voice, and the raw emotion as his confessional styled album is released. It reminds me somewhat of another favorite, Blind Pilot, which also is both mourning and moving on from an emotional wrecking year.

My "favorite" albums and artists change, but there are some I return to over and over again. Blind Pilot and Okkervil River are two of those artists. The artists, contemporaries really, are more than just singers with hipster bands but they're are artists that resonate more with me, beyond the shallow music that every top 40 station seems to blast. I will also gravitate toward lyrics--maybe that's why the Josh Ritter concert earlier this year really impressed me--but the album as a complete piece also is vital. Singles not so much.

So another piece of 40. The music and songs that will remain with me more than most.

Just Checking In...

I'm still here. I keep thinking I want to revive this "diary" because I still want to write, and in one form of another (not always continuously) I've maintained a diary for thirty years.

But what do I write?? Reflections on being 40 and childless? Cultivating a family of neighbors and friends? Being conservative in an age of Trump? Feeling a little lethargic in a job I've been in for far too long? Seeing family members aging and moving on, nephews growing older? Traveling to Cartagena and the Caribbean and other locales every year? Music and books that keep me occupied? Worries and concerns that leave me sleepless when life really is not so bad? Ideas for books I may or not may not write?

Or just a pause, a thought, a few ramblings to check in on  a day to day basis?

So I check in today. And then we'll decide later.

Thanksgiving

My eyes have filled with tears many times in the past couple of weeks. The conference, good friends, tragedy and terrible evil in Paris and Mali, frequent travel...I feel like there's an emotional ledge I'm grasping, and I don't want to release it.

But I get to go home, and see J&J, and for that, all for that, I am thrilled. I get to see my nephews and family, and even if the J&Jers are less than thrilled to see their lame old aunt, I get to see them and spend some time hanging out with them. It's the joy of my life, really.

So for a bit, I'll be relaxed and live in the moment. I'll get off this treadmill, and I'll breathe in the cool and crisp air in Michigan. Happy Thanksgiving, indeed.

Two Months

I have no real reason to avoid writing. I mean, life has not slowed down, but it's been this way before, and I tune in. I think I'm avoiding writing because I don't know about this stage. It's an uneasiness, a sense that I am not where I desire to be, and I want to avoid having these feelings of drowning.

Whether it is a new nephew or travel or my brother running a marathon or my husband jetting off to Singapore. I feel like I am just standing still, in this place, before another convention, this place that is static and rigid and unyielding. It's a chasm and I'm sinking.

In the stillness, I am aware of my thoughts and how very unhappy I am. I try to cover with drinking, socializing, reading, drama, but it always remains the same.

I want to picture myself in 12 months, with a baby and a Republican president and possibilities for change. But I see myself at 40, sitting here, and still facing uncertainty about a night ahead. And I really hate this. And I don't know how to pull myself up.

Two Months...

I haven't written much lately, I know....summer escaped me, with trips to Texas, the Bahamas, Detroit, and Iceland. Much to say about all of that.

But a word on September 11, and fourteen years ago. It's a perfectly summery day here, once again, like that day, with clear blue skies, low humidity, and highs in the 80s. Unforgettable weather, September 11 weather. God bless America.

Tragedy on Metro

Last Saturday, on the Fourth of July, a 24 year old killed was knifed to death on a red line train headed to Noma, five blocks from where we lived. And a place we passed by, enroute to Harris Teeter, moments before the crime.

There were a handful of others on the train, who witnessed the attack, which seemingly occurred in about a three minute time span. Some contend they should have stopped this crazed 18 year old, brandishing a knife and high on some synthetic drug. Uncontrollable and menacing, and likely bigger.

I think those on the train were judged harshly. There was a woman in her 50s, with her father in his 70s, and I cannot believe either could have stopped this kid and likely would have been hurt had they forcibly tried to intervene.

I am not there to judge. I would have been scared senseless. I wold have hoped I could have called 911 or tried to stop this kid who repeatedly, brutally, relentlessly stabbed this kid to death, who probably was the youngest and most vital person on the train.

I think anyone could have related to this, and anyone is saddened by this. I still am thinking about it, five days later. And you wonder: what would you have done? And if it was you, attacked like this, would you have surrendered? Could your life have been saved? 

Who Will Stop the Rain?

I don't remember why it rained so much in 06, but I won't forget the non-stop deluge of June 2015. From freaky late night thunderstorms, to sudden inches, to three inches of rain on Saturdays....Insanity. Check out this post.

Yes, I'm a weather groupie. I just hate how it stresses me out. Ugh.

SCOTUSCare

From Scalia's dissent in his newly coined SCOTUSCare decision:

• Words no longer have meaning if an Exchange that is not established by a State is “established by the State.” It is hard to come up with a clearer way to limit tax credits to state Exchanges than to use the words “established by the State.” And it is hard to come up with a reason to include the words “by the State” other than the purpose of limiting credits to state Exchanges.
• Under all the usual rules of interpretation, in short, the Government should lose this case. But normal rules of interpretation seem always to Cite as: 576 U. S. ____ (2015) 3 SCALIA, J., dissenting yield to the overriding principle of the present Court: The Affordable Care Act must be saved.
• The Court interprets §36B to award tax credits on both federal and state Exchanges. It accepts that the “most natural sense” of the phrase “Exchange established by the State” is an Exchange established by a State. Ante, at 11. (Understatement, thy name is an opinion on the Affordable Care Act!) Yet the opinion continues, with no semblance of shame, that “it is also possible that the phrase refers to all Exchanges—both State and Federal.”
• Today’s interpretation is not merely unnatural; it is unheard of. Who would ever have dreamt that “Exchange established by the State” means “Exchange established by the State or the Federal Government”?
• It is bad enough for a court to cross out “by the State” once. But seven times?
• But this Court’s two decisions on the Act will surely be remembered through the years. The somersaults of statutory interpretation they have performed (“penalty” means tax, “further [Medicaid] payments to the State” means only incremental Medicaid payments to the State, “established by the State” means not established by the State) will be cited by litigants endlessly, to the confusion of honest jurisprudence. And the cases will publish forever the discouraging truth that the Supreme Court of the United States favors some laws over others, and is prepared to do whatever it takes to uphold and assist its favorites. I dissent.

It is why judges matter. No more gestures like renominating Judge Gregory on the 4th.  No more John Roberts. The left does not make these mistakes. Judicial nominations are one of the most important issues in 2016.

Character

It's been a hectic week, after visiting Cincinnati, dinner our with Marissa and Jay on Monday, World Cup soccer with neighbors, dinner with E last night. I am looking forward to a quieter evening tonight, a stop at HT, and maybe an episode of OITNB. I did an elliptical this morning, much needed after over indulging lately.

It's summer. It's been stormy and hot, the days are long. And it'll be July in one week, which is ridiculous. Half-way through 2015 already. And July will be a busy one, as will August. And September...so it goes.

I am searching for direction and spark, and I'm trying to live more in the moment. It's now 8.5 months until 40, and there are days I could almost anticipate it, and other days I'm dreading it. I cannot wrap my brain around being in my 40s. I still recall not being able to envision life after 22. Or life in college. Life outside of St. V. It's like a rubber band that stretches further out, or maybe something that keeps unwrapping to cover up more of what your life is like at this point or that.

I'm reading David Brooks The Road to Character, which has been outstanding. The more I read, the more I demand "great books." Fracture was great.  Ideas, motivation, drive, integrity, dignity, and utter failure.

Being transgendered has been the story of the summer. How does that state of being reconcile with character? Can it? Brooks struggles with the definition of "true self." Maybe that concept is overrated. You can spend a lifetime and never quite define that. Or you can reach that state in youth.

I am not sure if this is the best word, but it's authenticity. And dining last night, hearing that ridiculous story on the porcelain dolls, all I can think is "Own it." Do not be ashamed or embarrassed, the way I would have been. Own who you are, because you don't get a second chance in this life. One is what you have.

Can't Listen...

Is it wrong to say I'm finding baby/pregnancy talk insufferable? I mean, I am cringing listening to the laughter, the overload of information, the comparison of notes, etc. It is too much.

Six Weeks Later...

So I never intended to step away for these last six weeks. Time passes fast. Travel. Friends. Block Party. California and Vegas and Phoenix and Philly and New York and New Jersey. This and that.

I just haven't wanted to write. It's not for the lack of something to say. I feel like I have nothing but thoughts to vocalize, and I have nothing but a void to fill.

I have less time than a baby's gestation before turning 40. I am simultaneously hyper aware of my age and utterly in denial, oblivious to the point of utter avoidance. I want to dwell on the summer, travel to Texas and Michigan and the Bahamas and Iceland and Cincinnati. I want to dwell on 4th of July fireworks and hot days and roofdeck parties and cocktails and those other friends turning 40.

So where to it? I need to focus on doing something positive for myself. Aging gracefully, writing, enjoying the mantra of here and now. And then what...

Goodbye 1015

After 16 years, I'm leaving 1015. Not moving far, to 1776. And not leaving a job. Just a relocation.

I'm so used to my view of 18th Street, and my new view is arguably better, of two streets. And we'll have some new amenities, and we'll be modern, with some new furniture.

So many memories here, though, of the 2000 election and 9/11, certainly. Of former colleagues, learning of M's death, hearing of engagements and new babies and celebrating birthdays. Lots of quiet moments, tears, and frustrations. Late nights and early mornings. Escapes to Borders across the street, a couple of incarnations of Jack's below. Lots of coffee. Lots of walks to R's desk, and lots of closed door conversations with colleagues/friends. Angry moments. Ridiculous moments. Incredulous moments.

So here's to a new place to work...and here's to the old. I hope I won't be there for 16 years, though!

The End of Grey's...

Internet is a-buzzing about about McDreamy's death last night on Grey's Anatomy. I haven't watched the full episode yet, and I am not sure that I will. But it disturbed me last night, and the senseless of this as "entertainment" haunted me as a I drifted off to sleep. I think I'm done with watching tragedy as entertainment. Sure, his good-bye will make you think a bit more about your loved ones, about the temporal nature of being and how any moment can bring you to your knees. But a television show? Where plane crashes have killed siblings, Alzheimer's killed mothers, where people are shot...I never watched the episode where Jackson & April's child died, because really--that is supposed to be entertainment? The actress was pregnant! Not entertainment.

So I don't think I will be regularly tuning in to the show anymore. I live too much in my head, and I don't need to be haunted by "this could happen to you..." We all know that. We don't need to see our nightmares play out in real life.

The Americans

Paste rounds-up some of the most compelling moments from this season. Season finale is tonight!

Early Thoughts on the Election

If a presidential candidate was the former Secretary of State, a former United States Senator, and a partner in a foundation that sought to "improve people's lives," and had unparalleled name recognition, you'd think that particular candidate would be a leading one for president.

Winning candidates often don't hold the best resume. Ask the incumbent, right? It's more than a resume, it's more than a law degree. It's rhetoric (ask Ronald Reagan), it's charisma (ask Clinton), and it's an image (ask Kennedy) of what the country wants in a leader, all bundled together. And it's often identity politics (ask Obama).

It is April 20, and the presidential election is over 18 months away. I'll go on record now that a minority or a woman will be on a winning ticket. And like I've said all along, it won't be Hillary.

I'm unexcited about the prospect of a woman in the White House. It does not matter to me one iota. We've had two female candidates for vice president, and both were flawed. We've had flawed presidential candidates. Whether it is two white men, a woman and a white man, or a Hispanic and a woman, it doesn't matter. It's the substance of an individual in a time of national security risks from the middle east and Russia and North Korean; it's a time when individual liberties and the First Amendment is under threat; it's a time when religious believers are shamed as bigots; and it is a time when the soft bigotry of low expectations dooms another generation to live in an urban prison, because educational opportunities are closed when you can't bother to finish high school.

I don't care if it's a woman, or if it's someone with an impressive resume. I care about integrity. I care about honesty and transparency, fully realizing that a lot of politics happens behind closed doors (much like sausage) for very good reasons. I care about the truth this country bears. I care about what opportunities will be available in global competition for my nephews and niece.

I selfishly care about what opportunities may avail themselves to me someday. I was watching Mad Men last night, and Peggy Olsen was asked by Don about what her vision for her future was. She wanted to be the first female creative director at the agency, and she wanted to create something of lasting value. I've diminished myself for too long, often in my own insecurities and in the little ways I demean myself on a daily basis. But I want to dream big, too. And if a door were to open to me, I want that badly.