thirtysomething musings part 1

I think being 30-something, conservative, and Catholic logically leads you to want to be married. I think there is a logical yearning for that--that you're seen as more of a professional, more of a faithful person, more of a rank-and-filed married/non-single grown up individual rather than someone whose schedule can free up to go to dollar beer night at McFadden's any given night of the week.

At Bill & Jen's wedding, there was a recognition that most people are married. We were at the "single" table with one other dating couple, a couple of friends, and some other unmarried people. The groom's friends, all in their mid-30s, were almost all married with children.

There is a transition to being in your early 30s and unmarried. You're too old for the dollar drinks (who wants miller lite when you can be drinking G&Ts with Bombay Sapphire??), but you aren't in that married crowd. When colleagues younger than you are married, maybe they don't exactly fit either.

Every engagement tears at you a bit, and as a woman, you aren't supposed to be upset. You aren't supposed to whine "When will it be MY turn?" or cover-up any inner jealousy that you might hold. You're supposed to smile and be happy and listen to the details and look wistfully and the betrothed and think, "Gee, how happy does he look!!" And when you get the baby announcements, you aren't supposed to think, "Am I less of a good conservative/Catholic 30-something year old woman b/c I don't have kids, I'm not married, and I don't think it will happen any time soon? And oh yeah, my long-term relationship means nothing. Because colleagues who have been dating for three months can get engaged before me!" Does that make one bitter?

I say sometimes it's OK to be bitter. It's OK to think life isn't fair, I know there are a lot of other people in this world who have things much worse off, but so what. Let me sulk. Let me think it isn't fair. Let me wonder if I'm ever going to be the one who will get the pretty blue and yellow striped Crate plates and the wine glasses for both whites and reds. Let me wonder if I'll be Carrie Bradshaw and will have to register for shoes. Though I guess, maybe, she got her Prince Charming finally? But do you really need to wait that long?

And you wonder if you really waited too long, if it's desperation that keeps you together or if it's love. Or if you just get tired of it all, and know that you're a disappointment, and know that you can't white about it, so complacency is better than nothing. And you stick it out. And keep on sticking it out.