J&J

Everyone now and then, out of nowhere, I get lost in the J&J story. Lately, it's been the rape aftermath, because Days apparently can't stop beating that story. Gosh, I can't believe this really started 25 years ago. I don't know how I even got so into them, maybe it was watching a bit over Christmas and breaks, and then I really got sucked into the COD. It was June 1990, really, but something must have sparked that interest. Being 14 at the time, I was at that age, too. The perfect storm. And watching those scenes, so readily available on YouTube, damn. I forget and then remember all over again how wrapped up I was in that story, how wonderful the acting was, how captivating and frustrating and angst-filled it all was.

Anyway, I am sure my interest will recede, but I know when other stressful things are on my mind, I get lost in those Days. It's a good escape, albeit only a temporary one.

Four Things

Four names that people call me other than my real name:

1. LisaBeee
2. Sweetie

Four jobs I’ve had:

1. Aco Hardware
2. Arbor Drugs
3. The Children's Place
4. Giffels

Four movies you’ve watched more than once:

1. It's a Wonderful Life
2. With Honors
3. Pretty Women
4. Dirty Dancing

Four books I’d recommend:

1. A History of the American People
2. Rules of Civility
3. A Good Man is Hard to Find and other Short Stories
4. James Madison by Lynne Cheney
   

Four places I’ve lived

1. Detroit
2. Indiana
3. Washington, DC
4. Arlington, VA

Four Places you have visited:

1. Dublin
2. Oslo
3. Uganda
4. Finland

Four places I’d rather be right now:

1. The Bahamas
2. at my parents' house
3. with my nephews
4. Paris

Four things I don’t eat:

1. Olives
2. canned tuna fish
3. kiska
4. sweet breads

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Lasagna
2. Pizza
3. Potato Chips
4. Sushi

Four TV shows I watch:

1. Nashville
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. The Big Bang Theory
4. Mad Men

Four things I’m looking forward to this year:

1. Bahamas
2. Thanksgiving
3. Christmas
4. Visiting Cincinnati

Immigration

This may be one of the worst columns I’ve ever seen. How dare the US make our country so attractive that we force Cuban doctors, exploited by their communist government, to want to defect! (and it’s all George W. Bush’s fault, since the policy was created in 2006). 

So Disgruntlement...

I've been going through those stages in the last, oh 15 years, when I just need to move on. I work so hard, feel so little respect, and just get so disgruntled. And you do this flip side, bargaining sort of perspective: Lucky to have a job, lucky to have members I consider friends, lucky to have these kinds of opportunities in general. And then I feel cut off, and disconnected, and ignored. And again, that idea of ego affects me. And I know my attitude is awful now, and I'm maybe being short-sided. I don't know.

I always prided myself on knowing that hard work is acknowledged and rewarded, but motivation...that is the tricky part and where many fall flat. But it's a vicious circle oftentimes: you lose that impetus to advance when you think that everything you do is overlooked. And it's hard to know if you are being sensitive or if you're being realistic. And when it's time to forge onward.

I don't know. I'll see how I feel after yet another convention. I anticipate this time yet dread it. If only I had something going on...I used to fantasize a bit about being pregnant, about feeling well-known and admired and being a central figure. But now I just want to muddle through.

Standing Up for Yourself

One of my deepest regrets in life is how I've occasionally let people steal my joy. More than occasionally. I've let people insult me, yell at me, demean me, and I haven't always defended myself. I let others make me feel diminished.

Maybe it's because of a looming milestone birthday in 16 months. Maybe it's because I was so hurt yesterday to not be included in an awesome black tie gala that I would have felt so honored to attend. Maybe it's because I wasn't considered at all. I don't know.

I have neglected writing a lot. I don't think it is has been become of a lack of things to say. I've certainly mentally noted a number of ideas and internal essays that recount and extrapolate on various slights. Or perceived slights. Or just raw feelings that I can't articulate because of some inner defensiveness, some deep desire to not let others see my wounds.

I'm not a showy person. I'm an introvert in an extrovert's world, and that is the source of both weakness and strength. I can turn it on, but I usually recoil within.

I guess some of this comes from a hidden pride, and that's also not always a good thing. Of course, I have an ego and of course I'd like my self-esteem safely patted and appreciated and nurtured. I will always remember that convention about 11 years ago when I got some whoomps during staff recognition, and it was such a quiet thrill to have comments on that. I don't think I've ever felt that appreciated in my life. Or grateful. It brings a tear to this day.

I also need to be more of an advocate for others. I could do more to appreciate support that I have received. But first, I need to work on recovering my own joy. I have an immense amount of gratitude to have a home, a job, a husband, a brilliant family, and a wide circle of friends and supportive associates. But sometimes you just need that extra bit of love. Or an out of nowhere measure of devotion. Or a boost. Ask and you shall receive, once in a while. Or not.